Getting Kid Out of His Pants
by evrael
Summary: Liz and Patty are getting impatient, and Maka has agreed to help them in their most difficult mission ever: getting Death the Kid out of his pants. Best taken with a good dose of humor.
1. The Problem with Death the Kid

It all started when they ran out of alcohol.

Blackstar was the first to offer that he and Soul and Death the Kid go out immediately and buy some more. Soul seconded the motion, saying that since the boys did most of the drinking (never mind that Blair had consumed more than all three of them combined), it wouldn't be cool if they didn't do something about it.

To everyone's initial surprise, Kid was also up for buying more drinks.

"I didn't think you'd be the drinking type, Kid-kun," Maka commented.

"My body has a very high tolerance for it," the son of the Shinigami answered matter-of-factly. "And besides..."

"Besides...?"

Kid aimed a sour look at Patty and Liz. The former was sitting on the floor, laughing about something, and the latter was lounging on the sofa, looking halfway between bored and dead-drunk. "Patty had one drink more than Liz, so obviously I've got to make it even."

Everyone else sweatdropped. But that was Kid for you, always chasing after symmetry and going to pieces when things didn't match up. Maka, Soul, and the others had gotten used to it by now, except those moments when Kid simply couldn't take it and spat up blood. THAT was unusual, even by their standards, and Shibusen students had a very high tolerance for the grotesque.

When the boys left, the girls were free to discuss whatever it was that girls liked to discuss whenever boys weren't around, and that was...well...boys.

They were in Maka's and Soul's house, the scene of many an afternoon party in past days. Now they were all a little bit older, with more responsibilities, and the afternoon parties turned into evening dinners. Maka and Soul were still together, as well as Blackstar and Tsubaki, and, of course, Kid and Liz and Patty.

Maka had always wondered secretly how _that_ would turn out. She and Soul had eventually become a couple; they had been acting like a couple long before they decided formally, officially, to really _be_ one. Everyone else had seen it coming, too. Blackstar and Tsubaki were also a couple, by some freakish miracle. He had announced it right on top of Shibusen, much to his Weapon's embarrassment. But Death the Kid had two weapons. He didn't seem like he was infatuated with one (or both) of them, and it didn't look like anything would even happen, romantically, between them. Nor did he seem interested in anyone else from the school. When Maka, unable to bear it any longer, subtly, jokingly asked him if he wasn't getting lonely, he murmured something about symmetry, glanced around in thinly-veiled disgust, and walked off, talking to himself and leaving Maka completely bewildered in the middle of the classroom.

"Guess he's just not attracted to anyone," Soul had said when she asked him about it. "Kid's not exactly normal. He's a Shinigami. Maybe it works differently for him."

"But his dad must've fallen in love with _someone_!" Maka had insisted. "How else would Kid-kun exist?"

Soul had simply shrugged. "Maybe Kid just...I dunno...sprouted out of his dad's forehead. Who can tell with Death Gods anyway?"

The idea of Kid popping out of Shinigami-sama's forehead was simply too disturbing for Maka, so she had let the topic drop. Now that she and Tsubaki, Liz, and Patty were talking, however, Kid's lovelife somehow sprang to mind again, and Maka found herself getting more and more curious about it.

She was spared the trouble of leading up to Kid when Liz suddenly leaned forward conspiratorially. "Say, Maka, Patty and I wanna ask you something."

Maka straightened up automatically. "Hai?"

"It's about Kid."

'Am I THAT transparent?' Maka thought, her heart thumping. She hadn't meant for them to find out! What if they misinterpret her interest as her having feelings for Kid? What if they made an issue out of it? What if Soul found out and believed them? What if--

Liz was gazing intently at her through half-lidded eyes. The older Thompson's expression was dour, almost as dour as Kid's, and she seemed very put-out. "I'm hoping you can be honest with us on this."

Maka didn't know if she was blushing or if she'd gone pale. "W-with what?"

Liz rather uncharacteristically pouted. "Are Patty and I attractive?"

What? Maka blinked several times. "Err...y-yeah, you are."

Liz scowled. "Are you sure?"

Now Maka was truly confused. "H-hai...I'm pretty sure..."

"What's the matter, Liz-chan?" Tsubaki asked. "You're not usually uncertain about yourself."

Liz sighed deeply. "It's just that Patty and I are getting impatient waiting for Kid to make the first move—"

"He's so damn slow!" Patty suddenly burst out. For emphasis, she smashed a fist into a paper cup and crushed it. "Slow, slow, slow!"

Maka and Tsubaki exchanged confused glances. "Err...well, you could ask him out on a date if you really want to," Maka began slowly. "I mean, these are modern times and—"

"Screw the date," Liz interrupted. "I want to drag him off to bed already."

Maka's jaw fell open. Tsubaki turned three shades whiter in complete shock.

Patty started laughing. "Your faces are all funny! Maka's is REALLY red, and Tsubaki's lost all her color! Gahahahaha!"

Maka shook her head quickly, recovering herself, and said, "When you say 'drag him off to bed', do you mean—"

Liz pressed a hand to her forehead. "Do I mean fuck him? Yeah."

Patty squealed and raised both feet into the air. "Me too, me too!"

Maka heard a strangled, wheezing sound and realized that Tsubaki was now stone-gray and barely breathing. "Liz-chan!" the Scythe Technician gasped. "You're going to kill Tsubaki-chan!"

Liz studied the ninja Weapon for a moment. "I think it was Patty that sent her hyperventilating."

"She isn't hyperventilating!"

"Good grief, you two," Liz said. "We're not kids anymore. You and Soul have done it already, right, Maka?"

Maka's eyes were about to pop out of her head. "I--we--you—that's none of your—"

Liz smiled. "Oh, I see. You don't have to be so shy about it. These ARE modern times, after all."

"Don't use my words against me!" Maka huffed. Tsubaki had fainted, poor thing, and was splayed out on the couch. At least she wasn't having a hard time breathing anymore. Maka did her best to ensure her friend was comfortable, and then she cleared her throat and sat down again.

"Okay..." Maka closed her eyes for a second, composed herself, and then looked at Liz. "So...you and...your sister...are just _horny_ for Kid-kun."

Liz nodded. Patty nodded as well, only she was grinning from ear-to-ear.

Maka felt a headache coming on. It wasn't even time for the hangovers yet. "You...you're fine with sharing?"

Liz looked affronted. "Of course! It's what sisters do for each other! I couldn't imagine not sharing Kid with Patty. Besides, he'd be upset if he had to choose just one of us. You know, that stupid symmetry thing."

'It's not like he can do both of them at the same time!' Maka thought. Her brain was experiencing a total meltdown. "Err...so what's the problem, exactly?"

Liz threw her hands out. "He isn't DOING anything! It's like he's asexual! Patty and I live with him, and he doesn't do a damn thing! What does he think we are, virgins?"

"I am," Patty said. "I dunno about Sis, though."

"Urusai!" Liz near-shrieked. "Ahem. As I was saying, he doesn't do anything. Everyone we know is getting laid left and right, and all he wants is to have tea! It's so damned frustrating!"

"Does this have something to do with Kid having sprouted from Shinigami-sama's forehead?" Maka asked.

The sisters looked at her strangely. "Is THAT how he was born?" Liz asked curiously. "Hmm. I've always thought he was born the natural way."

Patty laughed. "Maybe someone else will spring up from Shinigami-sama's forehead and Kid will have a brother! Someone compleeeetely asymmetrical! Wheee!"

"Oh, joy," Maka murmured, covering her eyes with her hand. This was going nowhere. Were the Thompson sisters actually going to ask her what she _thought_ they were going to ask her?

Liz slouched in her seat, looking even more ill-tempered than she had when they started talking about Kid. "I'm out of ideas. We've tried sexy lingerie, trips to tropical islands, touring on a cruise ship with hardly anyone else around—"

"We've even tried sneaking into his bedroom. Naked!" Patty added cheerfully.

"And still nothing." Liz heaved a great, forlorn sigh. "We like Kid. A lot. And I'm sure he's got a bit of a soft spot at least for us. We just want him to have some fun, too." She sounded extremely frustrated. "I don't get it! Most guys have that 'two girls' fantasy, right?"

Maka managed a smile. She was going for comforting smile, but had a feeling that it looked more pained than anything else. "Kid-kun isn't 'most guys', Liz-chan."

"Just our luck to be saddled with a whack-job," Liz muttered darkly. She looked pleadingly at Maka. "Please help us? We'll do anything you want us to do afterward, but we really need your ideas on this one. At this rate, Patty and I will be the only girls who aren't getting any in Death City!"

Maka stared at them both, and all the while a queasy feeling was developing in the pit of her stomach. Liz and Patty Thompson were asking her, top student, wielder of Soul, a Death-Scythe, to help them find a way to get into Death the Kid's pants. Death the Kid, the only son of none other than Shinigami-sama himself. Was this something that could actually get her expelled? Worse, would it get her exiled?

They heard voices out in the hall. The boys were back.

Liz grabbed Maka's hands. "Please???"

Patty put on her best puppy-dog face. "Pweash help us get laid with Kid?"

The door handle jiggled. Soul was fumbling with the key.

Liz put both hands on Maka's shoulders and shook her. "PLEASE, MAKA!"

Maka flinched. "All right, all right, I'll do it! I'll help you!"

The Thompsons grinned. "Thank you, Maka!" Liz gasped.

"Yay!" Patty giggled. "Nekkid Kid, here we come!"

The door opened.

Maka glared at Liz and Patty. "We'll talk about this tomorrow!"

"Oi Maka," Soul called out. "You all still conscious?"

"We've got more drinks!" Blackstar yelled, bursting into the living room and waving two bottles in the air. "Woohoo! So you all better still be up for some more--Uooooh! Tsubaki!!"

Maka sweatdropped. "Ah, yeah, she passed out."

Blackstar looked disappointed. "Aah, I guess I should've expected it. After all, when it comes to tolerance, I'm second to none! Well," he said, grudgingly, "Maybe just to Kid. But!" he added quickly, shaking a finger under Kid's nose, "I WILL surpass even YOU someday! Hahahaha!"

"Sit down," Kid said dispassionately, "You're just drunk. Go drink some more so we can have a little peace and quiet. Liz," he said, turning to the older Thompson, "Hurry up and drink one more round so you'll be even with Patty."

Liz glanced at Maka and rolled her eyes as if to say "See?"

And Maka did see. She had nothing against Kid. He was one of the steadier members of her team, at times even acting as the peacemaker for them whenever they started arguing. He was always considerate of other people, and the only time she felt inclined to hit him was when he went into his little fits whenever something wasn't symmetrical enough to suit his taste. She looked at his face, remembered all the times he looked emotionless, serious, or troubled, and thought 'Well, why not? Maybe this will make him happy. And it's about time he got a girlfriend--or two--anyway.'

She gave Liz a small smile and a wink. Yes, she definitely _would_ go along with their little plan.

"Oi Patty! What are you doing? If you drink that whole bottle, Liz would have to do that, too!"

Maka sweatdropped again.


	2. Hatching a Plan

The party had left behind a huge mess in Maka and Soul's house. The pair took one look at it, and then at each other before taking in a huge breath and expelling it resignedly.

"That's what you get for letting Blair sneak in with her drinks." Soul said.

Maka pouted at him. "I had no idea she'd have them with her!" She rather viciously swept some paper cups and plates into dustbin. "That was probably Papa's idea, anyway, letting her get away with filching liquor from that awful place he visits all the time."

Soul shrugged as he set about washing the bowls they'd used. "Well, he probably got drunk enough to think it was perfectly fine."

"Why do guys drink so much anyway?" Maka demanded as she went over to help Soul at the sink. "Do they think it makes them look 'cool'?"

Soul pulled a wry face. "Saa...though some people probably think that way."

Maka glanced sideways at him. "You'll probably find an excuse someday to visit that cabaret, too."

Soul laughed out loud. "Hah! Not likely." He grinned wolfishly at her, showing off all his fangs. "I've got other things to do that make me cooler than that."

"Oh, yeah? Like what?"

"You, for one thing."

Maka ceased all movement for one second before turning to Soul and delivering an astounding Maka-Chop that left a deep impression right across the top of his head.

"Honestly!" Maka huffed as she began drying out the bowls. "Is that all men really think about? Booze, women, sex..."

She trailed off. Something was whirring in her head.

Soul struggled to regain his feet. "I was just kidding, you know! Did you really have to hit me so damn hard?" He rubbed gingerly at his crown. "That fucking hurts! And cool guys like me don't cheat on girls, remember?"

Click.

Maka grasped Soul's wrist so hard he actually grunted in pain. "Soul! I've got an idea!"

"Idea?" he repeated, confused. "Idea for what?"

"For getting Kid-kun, Liz-chan, and Patty-chan together!"

Soul rolled his red eyes. "They're ALWAYS together. What are you talking about?"

Maka slapped her forehead. Of course Soul didn't know. She hadn't told him of Liz and Patty's request yet. "Soul, listen to me. You've gotta keep this a secret, okay?"

Soul scowled. "What's this all about _now_? Is it really such a big deal?"

Maka stamped her foot. "Yes! Now promise!"

Soul sighed in resignation. "Fine, I promise I won't tell anyone else."

Maka smiled. "Good. Now listen up. Liz-chan and Patty-chan want to...umm...they want to do Kid-kun. And since he's so uptight, they're having a hard time. So, they asked me for help, and I promised I'd help them."

Soul's jaw slowly went slack. He blinked several times, completely baffled. "You...they...WHAT?"

"You heard me! They want Kid-kun! They're frustrated that he won't make a move on them, and they don't wanna wait anymore, so they asked me to help them!" Maka turned, rested her elbows on the kitchen table, then rested her chin on her hands. "But...I really don't know what to do. Kid-kun won't let his guard down so easily, and he's so prim and proper that he won't do anything to Liz-chan and Patty-chan until they're married...IF he decides to marry them, that is. It's really so frustrating!"

Soul was astounded. "They just asked you this last night, and you're so into it now...Anyway, what CAN you do? It's not like you can force Kid into having sex with them if he really doesn't want to."

Maka gave him a wry look. "What is he, gay? Come on! He lives with two pretty girls in one big house and you're telling me he doesn't WANT to have sex with them? I think by this time Kid-kun's hormones should be kicking hard enough for him to _want_ to do something!"

Soul scratched his head. "Maa...still, even if Kid-kun secretly wants to do Liz and Patty, _how_ on earth will you get him to realize that?"

Maka tapped a finger thoughtfully against her lip. "Well, his obsessive compulsion to make everything symmetrical gets in the way a lot, right? All we have to do is find a way to keep his mind off of it. That way, Liz-chan and Patty-chan can do him, and then my part in this whole shenanigan would be over!" She smiled triumphantly. "It's a sound idea!"

"Except that Kid isn't easily distracted. EXCEPT by asymmetry, which is the BAD kind of distraction for Kid. And in case you haven't noticed, Liz and Patty aren't exactly twins!"

"You're not helping!" Maka paused, frowned, then said, "Well, actually, you did."

Soul recoiled. The idea of him having had a hand in Kid's deflowering party didn't really sit well with him; it wasn't cool. "When and how the hell did I help you?? I didn't even know about all this until five freaking minutes ago!"

"You got me so riled up about men and drinking!" Maka grinned. "I was so caught up in fretting over it that I completely forgot! And the solution to it was under our noses all the time!"

"You're forgetting one thing," Soul said. "Kid's got an insane resistance to that sorta stuff. He can resist poison, drugs, getting impaled, you name it, he can take it. He ain't immortal, but he sure is tough, and getting him drunk is going to be more of a problem than a solution."

Maka pouted. "He just has to drink a lot, that's all! Liz-chan and Patty-chan will do the rest!"

Soul slapped a hand to his face.

Maka tried her best to look puppyish. "Please, Soul? You know I never beg, so don't make me do it now!"

Soul's eyes widened. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Help me get Kid, Liz-chan, and Patty-chan into a motel."

***

"I cannot believe," Soul began as they set out, "that you're dragging Crona and Ragnarok into this."

Maka, Soul, Crona, and of course the strange demon Ragnarok who lived inside Crona, were on their way to the middle of Death City to meet with Kid, Liz, and Patty. They had agreed to hang out together that day and, in Patty's very creative words, help Kid loosen up. Kid had taken it to mean that they were going to try and cure him of his obsession with symmetry, and after pretending to detest the idea he finally agreed to it.

Maka sniffed. "Daijoubu da yo! Having Crona around will help minimize any suspicious activity on our part. And Crona wants to help! Right, Crona?"

Crona was glancing uncertainly around him. "I--I do, but...I don't know how to handle it...I've never helped anyone lose their virginity before..."

"It'll be fun! Err...I think." Maka wondered if it really _would_ be fun. "Well, we don't have to do it ourselves, you know. Liz-chan and Patty-chan will do the most important part of the job."

"This is insane," Soul sighed.

"Oh, hush! It's not like you're a stranger to crazy things, and you ARE curious about how it'll go, and you DO want your friend to finally get laid, don't you?"

"Of course I do, but I'm not as _desperate_ about it as you are! It's not like he's your son, is he?"

"I can't turn down Liz-chan and Patty-chan now that I've agreed to help them, so shut up and just follow my lead!"

"This, coming from someone who didn't even like the idea of getting into a relationship because of her pervert dad!"

"They're fighting," Crona whimpered. "I don't know how to deal with couples who are fighting."

"Oi, Crona, teme~," Ragnarok materialized out of Crona's back and thumped both fists on the boy's head. "Stop being such a whiny ass about this whole thing! Getting three people to do each other is probably even easier than getting just two!"

Soul gave the little demon a withering glance. Chibi-Ragnarok was still Chibi-Ragnarok, and he was still the bratty bully he was when they first met him. "Idiot, what are you talking about?"

"Mochiron," Ragnarok shot back shamelessly, "two people screwing around means there's some emotional ties, but with three people you can at least be ninety-nine percent sure they're just plain horny!"

Crona clapped his hands over his ears. "Aaah, don't say stuff like that; you've got such a potty mouth, Ragnarok."

"Urusai! It's my mouth, I can do whatever I want with it! Like this!" And Ragnarok chomped down on Crona's ear.

While Crona tried to disengage Ragnarok's teeth from his offended appendage, Maka turned to Soul. "All right, so our plan is to buy booze, buy Viagra, find a way to get Kid-kun to ingest both, then leave him to Liz-chan and Patty-chan."

Soul grunted. "Easier said than done, Maka. Even if we manage to trick Kid into thinking that Long Island Iced Tea really is just iced tea, what about the Viagra?"

Maka chewed thoughtfully on her lower lip. "We'll just have to grind it up into powder and mix it into his food."

Soul scratched exasperatedly at his head. "Ah, well, this is the best plan anyone's ever gonna come up with."

Ragnarok waved his white-gloved hands around excitedly. "Let me and Crona buy the Viagra! We'll be sure to get the most potent kind!"

"Isn't there only one kind?" Soul snorted.

"But we don't have any money," Crona said pitifully.

Ragnarok hit him over the head. "Why??"

Crona winced. "Because you were in such a hurry to leave the room!"

Maka and Soul sweat-dropped. "Are you two still living inside Shibusen?" Maka asked.

Crona and Ragnarok nodded. "Uh-huh," Crona said. "It's all right, it's nice and comfy, and they don't bother me and Ragnarok when we do it."

There was a very pregnant pause.

"What???" Maka shrieked.

Ragnarok folded his arms across his chest. "What do you mean, what? I have every right to do Crona! He's my Meister, and as long as he gives me fifteen sweets each time, then it's fine." He shook a tiny fist at Maka. "You got a problem with that?"

Maka stared at him, then at Crona.

Crona smiled shyly. "Well...I don't really mind. And he's very good."

"Okay," Maka held up a hand to stop him. "No details. Please!"

"H-hai...gomenasai..."

Ragnarok thumped Crona on the head. "Here they come!"

Maka and Soul turned around. Coming up the street were three familiar figures.

Ragnarok waved his hand around again. "Quick, quick, give us the money and we'll get your sex drug for you, lickity-split!"

Maka elbowed Soul. "Hayaku, Soul!"

Soul stared at her. "Why me?"

"SOUL!!"

Soul grumbled but grudgingly took out his wallet. He shoved some money into Crona's hands. "Just be sure to get the right one, all right? Money ain't easy to come by in this world!"

Crona nodded fervently. "Y-Yessir!"

Ragnarok turned Crona's head forcefully to the right. "That way! The drugstore's that way! Let's go, let's go!"

"So..." Soul muttered. "Crona and Ragnarok..."

Maka shuddered. "I don't want to think about it. Anyway, let's go."

***

They wandered around aimlessly for a while, with Maka, Liz, and Patty strolling into various shops and engaging in girl-talk. What Kid didn't know was that every time Soul dragged him away to 'check something out', Maka would lay out their plan little by little to Liz and Patty.

"Viagra?" Liz had hissed at one point. "Do you think that'll work?"

Maka threw out her hands. "I didn't know what else to try!"

"Long Island Iced Tea?" Patty had added. "Will iced tea really help?"

"It's not really iced tea," Liz muttered.

"Eh, really?"

"Really." Liz sighed. "Well, I guess it's worth a shot."

Maka patted her wrist comfortingly. "Don't worry. I asked Crona and Ragnarok to help."

Liz's eyes bulged. "What?? What can those two do?"

"They're buying the Viagra."

This time, Liz's jaw fell to the ground. "They're...what?"

Patty laughed out loud. "Hahaha, sugoi! Is that a new candy?"

Maka didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry. "A-anyway, Liz-chan, you know places here that serve alcoholic stuff, right? Let's have lunch in one of them."

"What are you three talking about?"

Maka and Liz froze. Kid was right behind Maka, his dispassionate, golden eyes holding the faintest hint of curiosity. Behind him was Soul, looking rather apologetic.

"Err…" Liz said. Patty grinned.

"We…we were…talking about…err…" Maka began, her brain desperately searching for a topic that wouldn't sound so lame.

"Lunch!" a new voice practically screamed, startling everyone silly. Atop the nearby shelf was a small, black head with a white X across it, and two large, bulging white eyes. "Crona and I are hungry and we want lunch! Now!" Ragnarok demanded.

"Oi," Soul growled. "Don't be so loud. We can hear you perfectly."

"Sorry," Crona's voice said from behind the shelf. "Ragnarok got hungry halfway back from the drugstore, and—"

"Drugstore?" Kid said. He looked at Maka. "Is anyone ill?"

"Oops," Crona muttered.

Maka's smile looked like some terrible rictus. "Err…no…I just…it's my period! Yeah, so…ahehehe, you know, right?"

Kid stared at her. "Um…Sorry?"

Maka gaped at him. "Err…well, you know…we get mood swings."

"Yeah," Liz said. "It's the hormones thing…"

"Hormones thing?" Kid repeated.

Liz rolled her eyes. "Oh, for crying out loud, you know all about souls but you don't know diddly-squat about female bodies?"

Soul laughed. "Heh, it's not like Kid would concern himself with your monthly visitor, idiot."

Liz grew fangs. "Who asked you??"

Patty laughed. "Soul has more experience than Kid, so he'd know!"

Soul put on a long-suffering expression. "You betcha. Girls and their periods, honestly, you'd think you were dealing with a poisonous, spitting cobra. Anything can set 'em off, they'll get angry for no reason, cry for no reason, slap you for no reason…"

"Sounds very strange and illogical," Kid commented.

Maka glared at Soul. Liz glared at Kid.

"Poisonous spitting cobra??"

"Strange and illogical??"

"If I'd known that was what you thought of me whenever I had my period, I'd kick you out of the house once a month! Go live with Blackstar!"

"You try being normal and logical while you're in pain and bleeding!"

"I don't know what to do…" Crona whined, still behind the shelf. "What should we do, Ragnarok?"

"I say we eat them."

"You sound like squawking birds!" Patty laughed gleefully.

Kid had a horrified look on his face. "Maka is in pain and bleeding? Where is she bleeding?"

Without thinking, Soul said "Down there."

Kid frowned. "Down where?"

"There!"

"Be specific."

Soul slapped a hand to his face.

Maka was steaming. Literally. The only thing stopping her from hitting both of them was that she was on a mission, and that Liz and Patty had asked her for help. Never mind that Liz looked ready to erupt herself, and that Patty was on the floor laughing her ass off. Soul was perpetually wincing, as if anticipating a gazillion Maka Chops, while Kid looked honestly confused.

And then Crona said, "Oh. Hi Blackstar. Hello Tsubaki."

"Ho, Crona!!!" Blackstar's loud, brash voice called out. "What are you and Ragnarok doing here? Buying new clothes? It's about time we saw you in something normal! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Blackstar, don't be rude to Crona." Tsubaki. "Hello, Crona and Ragnarok. How are you?"

"Oh, w-we're fine."

Ragnarok swiveled around, facing away from Maka and company. "It's the two idiots! Go away! Don't bother us, we're busy!"

"Ha!" Blackstar sneered. "What, busy? You're just peeping at some girl's cleavage, aren't you, with the way you were leering over that shelf."

"If I wanted to look at a girl's cleavage, I'd look at Tsubaki's!" Ragnarok snapped back. Ignoring Tsubaki's affronted gasp, he said, "Idiot ninja! Took you long enough to notice her puppies, didn't it? If I were her, I'd find someone who'd be more interested in doing me than doing three thousand push-ups!"

Maka groaned. "I have to go break that up," she said.

Liz stopped her. "No, wait. It sounds interesting."

"Liz!"

"Yeah?" Blackstar was shouting at Ragnarok. "What do you know about boobs? You're only interested in dicks!"

"Heh!" Ragnarok scoffed. "So what? At least I admit it. You're the one who's suspicious! Why don't you just come clean and admit that you wanna stick it in Soul's ass??"

Soul turned crimson. "Okay…that's not cool…"

Maka stifled a laugh. "On second thought, you're right, Liz-chan, this IS interesting…"

"I'm still trying to figure something out," Kid muttered, rubbing his chin. "So that's why Liz gets strange every month."

Patty pointed to herself. "What about me? I get that too!" she announced cheerfully.

"You're always strange, Patty. It's Liz who becomes unaccountably moody and vicious every once a month."

Liz kicked him.

The resulting yowl was enough to draw attention to them. Blackstar and Tsubaki peered around the shelf. "Hora, so it's YOU guys," Blackstar exclaimed, grinning. "What are you guys doing talking over a shelf?"

"None of your business!" Ragnarok yelled. "This doesn't concern you, so get your nose out of it before I slice it off!"

"I don't think you should say stuff like that," Crona said.

"You're not supposed to think, Crona!"

But Maka knew that Ragnarok was right. Blackstar and Tsubaki weren't privy to their plans, and knowing the pair's luck and penchant for causing trouble (more on Blackstar's part than Tsubaki's), they could very well mess things up. Still, Maka couldn't just send them away without arousing suspicion both on Blackstar's and Kid's part, and so she said, "Well, why don't you guys come with us for lunch? We were just about to—"

"That's great!" Blackstar whooped. "I'm starving! I know just the place, too!"

Maka sweatdropped. "Ah…well, Liz-chan had some place in mind…"

Blackstar blinked and pouted slightly. "Eh? Oh. I was thinking we could go to the 'Death on Fire' bar. It's open during lunch hours." He grinned again. "Cool, huh? A bar that's actually open during the day!"

Patty laughed. "Death on Fire! Sounds like a song or a band or me roasting Kid alive!"

Kid's eyebrow twitched. "Why do they call it 'Death on Fire' anyway?"

"Coz of their drinks. Woohoo! They'll make you feel like you were burning alive or something."

Tsubaki's expression was pained. "But you lost a drinking game to Oxford-san there just the other night…"

Blackstar's face turned sour. "That's why I was drinking myself to oblivion last night at Maka's. Training, training! All of that was training! 'Coz I've gotta beat that nerdzoid tonight!" He jabbed his thumb at himself. "I ain't lettin' him get away with outshining me! I'm the one who will surpass God, remember?"

Liz sighed. "Yeah, we remember all right? How're we supposed to forget? You keep reminding us." In an undertone to Maka, she said, "But that's a good place he just suggested, Maka, even better than what I had in mind."

"Really?" Maka whispered.

"You bet," Liz nodded. "Mine doesn't have as many illegal substances."

***

The problem came when they were halfway done with lunch and Kid still hadn't gotten drunk or taken the Viagra yet.

Maka was starting to fidget. Blackstar was going on and on about how he was going to beat Oxford at their next drinking session, which was tonight, but he kept talking to EVERYONE, even Crona. Ragnarok was giving Maka repeated meaningful glances and she kept shaking her head at him, which was putting him into a very bad mood. Crona looked as if he might cry. Patty seemed to have forgotten about her libido and was laughing and doodling in her placemat with a knife. Soul was being his usual self, which meant that he was just slouching around.

This wasn't good. Think, Maka, think.

Finally, as the menu was passed around again for their desserts, she thought she could pull it off.

"Liz-chan, come over here," she called as casually as she could. "I want your opinion."

Liz obediently went over and they both hunched down behind the menu.

"Okay," Maka said quietly. "Kid is sitting next to Blackstar. There's a good chance he'll be distracted, so I'm going to ask Crona to powderize the Viagra. He's going to pass it to you. Find a way to put it in Kid's drink."

Liz frowned. "I'll need a good distraction. When it comes to Kid, Blackstar mouthing off isn't enough."

"I'll pretend to have stomach cramps. Soul went ahead and made menstruation out to be some kind of grand production dance number, I might as well use that to our advantage." Maka said dryly.

"We really do appreciate your help, Maka."

"Ahehe…just promise me you won't ask me for help with the more, ahem, technical aspects."

Liz smirked. "I said I'd share with Patty, not with you."

"Right." Maka hastily scribbled something out on a paper napkin. "Quick, give this to Crona on your way back."

When Crona got the note, his brows furrowed in intense concentration. Ragnarok was likewise staring down at it, blinking every now and then, apparently flummoxed. They glanced at each other questioningly, then at Maka. Maka nodded encouragingly, though she was getting a rather bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. Were her instructions so hard to understand?

"I'm telling you, it's gotta be a trick," Soul was saying to Blackstar. "There's no way Ox could put away that many shots of tequila. Heck, we probably can't put away half that amount between us."

Blackstar thumped his fist on the table, making all the plates, glasses, and utensils jump. "And I'm tellin' you, I saw it with my own eyes! He did it! And he wasn't even drunk afterwards!"

Soul shook his head. "Impossible! He isn't Kid, y'know."

Kid smiled. "And I suspect that that many shots would affect me. Not very much, but it would."

Maka and Liz exchanged meaningful glances. So there WAS some hope.

"How many shots did he drink anyway?" Soul asked, meaning Ox.

"Thirty," Blackstar said after a pause. "I'm sure of it!"

Soul's jaw dropped, and even Kid looked stunned. "That's impossible!" Soul roared. "Ox, take thirty?"

"He'd be unconscious after ten," Kid added, sounding amazed.

"How would YOU fare after drinking that many, Kid-kun?" Maka asked, artfully. "Bet it wouldn't affect you too much."

Kid smiled. "I'm not full-grown yet. That much -will- affect me."

"Eh, really?" Patty said.

"Really. But not by much."

Maka groaned inwardly. What would it take, then? The entire bottle? A whole box?

Crona and Ragnarok were now looking pointedly at Liz. Liz missed it because she was busy talking to Blackstar, Soul, and Kid about her own theory on how Ox pulled off his little drinking stunt. Patty had somehow managed to produce a box of crayons and was doodling on anything she could get her hands on. It was Tsubaki who noticed Crona, and being the kind soul that she was, said, "Hai? Is there anything you want from over here, Crona-kun?"

Crona froze. "Ah…n-not really…err…"

Maka suddenly, dramatically dropped to the ground, clutching her stomach. "Oooooooh," she groaned loudly. 'Oooh, dammit, this is friggin' embarrassing…'

"Maka!" Soul yelled, leaping to his feet. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," she said, trying to sound as if she was really in terrible, terrible pain. "It's just my period."

"Period?" Blackstar repeated. "What's that?"

"Good grief, first Kid, now Blackstar," Liz muttered. "Not much to surpass, if that could pass for surpassing a god."

"Be quiet," Kid scolded her. He and Blackstar, Soul, and Tsubaki were gathered round Maka. Concerned and completely distracted.

'Chance!' Maka thought. She glanced up at Crona and gave him a wink. Crona looked uncertain for a moment, then nodded and turned away, one hand going for his pocket.

"Crona."

Crona froze. Kid was looking right at him, his gold eyes unfathomable. For a moment, Maka forgot to breathe.

Then Kid stood up and held out a hand. "The medicine, please," he said.

Crona turned around. His lips were set in a crooked smile. "Ah…m-medicine?"

"The one you bought for Maka. I remember it was specifically for this kind of situation."

Ragnarok was sweating bullets. Crona swallowed nervously. "Ah! R-right…"

Maka very quickly elbowed Soul. Soul grunted. "I-I'll get it."

"You know, I hear beer's a good remedy for that sorta pain," Liz mentioned blandly.

Tsubaki was shocked. "R-really? I didn't know that! It doesn't make any sense to me."

Liz laughed. It sounded only slightly more delicate than a honk. "If it gets you too drunk to notice the pain, then it works, doesn't it?"

"Th-then should we order some?"

"Wait!" Blackstar yelled. "I want to try something first! I'm gonna cure Maka with my soul wavelength attack!"

Maka nearly bolted upright from the floor. "W-what??" she gasped. "That'll KILL me, Blackstar!"

"No, it won't, now hold still…"

"Blackstar, wait!"

"One, two, and—"

Boom.

***

"Well, I thought it would work," Blackstar said defensively.

They were sitting around their table, their lunch long gone and replaced by several bottles of beer and other colorful concoctions that Maka couldn't put a name to. She had started the day with no menstrual pain whatsoever (her period wasn't due for another two weeks, after all), and now she was sitting there nearly doubled over with a more painful equivalent. To hell with staying sober before evening, she _needed_ a drink or three. Damned idiot Blackstar.

Kid was sipping on his drink, a Long Island Iced Tea. Maka noted with satisfaction that at least one part of her plan had been put into action. During all the commotion, Liz had had the presence of mind to bribe their waiter into letting Kid think it was –just- iced tea and that it was refillable.

"Blackstar," Soul said, exasperatedly, "your soul wavelength attack targets the SOUL, not the body. How on earth did you expect it to work?"

"I thought that countering pain with more pain would work on her," Blackstar explained. "There's a term for that. Hom…om…omeo…"

"Homeotherapy," Tsubaki supplied helpfully. She hovered by Maka's side and was a couple of shades whiter than her usual. "It's exactly as Blackstar says. But Soul is right; your attack works on souls, not physical bodies, and it wouldn't have worked on Maka-chan."

Blackstar scratched his head. "Warii…guess I didn't think about that."

"Did you even think?" Kid asked, dryly.

"I resent that! I DID think of helping Maka! It's the thought that counts! Ne, ne?"

Maka grunted. "People who think good thoughts do good things. That wasn't a good thing."

Blackstar sank into his seat, looking rather depressed. Maka sighed, then managed a smile. At least she hoped it was a smile. "It's okay, Blackstar. You just wanted to help."

That put him back in a good mood, and soon everyone was talking again. Maka recovered enough to look around. At least nobody looked like they were anxious to leave. There was still time.

Kid abruptly stood up. "I have to use the comfort room," he said. "I'll be right back."

"Ho, I've gotta unload, too," Blackstar leaped to his feet. "Wait up, Kid."

Chance! When the two boys were gone, Maka turned to Crona. "Now's our chance! Quickly, Crona, put the Viagra in Kid's drink."

"Viagra?" Tsubaki blinked, surprised.

But Crona looked incredibly uncomfortable. "A-ano…actually…"

"What's the matter?" Soul asked.

"What's going on?" Tsubaki inquired, looking around.

Crona hung his head. "I-I lost it."

The silence that followed was deafening.

And then Maka shrieked. "You…WHAT???"

"Wow, that was even stronger than Screech Alpha," Ragnarok said, amazed.

Crona flinched. "I lost it…I had it in my hand when Kid asked for it…and then Blackstar used his soul wavelength and I lost my grip on it…" He looked miserable. "I'm so sorry!"

Uh-oh.

Maka stood up. "Hurry! Search the area!"

Tsubaki was in near-panic mode again. "What's going on? What are we looking for?"

"The Viagra!" Maka said, ducking under the table.

"Wh-what are you going to use it for?"

"Kid-kun!"

"B-but…" Tsubaki glanced at Soul, who was peering around the chair legs. "You already have Soul-kun…"

"No, no, not for me, for Liz-chan and Patty-chan!"

Liz sighed. "What a day this is turning out to be."

Patty laughed. "It's so much fun!"

Maka's voice sounded muffled under the tablecloth, but the exasperation was clearly evident. "You two stop making comments and help us!"

Tsubaki wrung her hands. "What's going on?"

"No time to explain, Tsubaki-chan!" Maka said, reappearing from beneath the table. "It must have rolled around somewhere. Crona, did you put it in powder form?"

"Liquid, actually," Ragnarok answered for his meister.

"Liquid!" Maka gasped. "How did you—"

"What's going on?"

They all froze. Kid and Blackstar had returned from the restroom.

"Err…" Maka began.

"Found it!" Soul exclaimed.

Maka, Liz, and Crona went pale.

Soul straightened up. He'd been rummaging around by a potted plant, and now he held something in his hand and was grinning triumphantly.

"What's that?" Blackstar asked.

"My lucky coin." Soul said simply.

Silence.

"What?" he asked, defensively. "I lost it the last time I was here."

"You've never been here." Blackstar pointed out.

"I've been here today!"

"How could you have lost a stupid coin on your first day here!"

"It happens to everyone!"

"That's dumb!"

"Shaddup! How would you know?"

Maka breathed a sigh of relief. Soul had managed to save them this time. But now they had a new problem. They'd lost the Viagra, and now they'd have to get Kid extremely drunk. Which was, of course, next to impossible. She put her chin in her hands, wondering what else could go wrong.

"Hey, look who's here!"

Maka's forehead hit the table. She just had to ask.

Coming in through the door of the bar were Ox, Harvar, Kilik, Kim, and Jacqueline. Upon catching sight of Blackstar, Ox grinned. "Well, well, if it isn't the sore loser from the other night. What are you doing here? Come to challenge the King of Death on Fire?"

Blackstar leaped to his feet. "You bet! I ain't gonna lose to a nerd moron like YOU!"

Oxford fixed his glasses. "Hmph. You may call me a nerd while in the classroom, but out here, in the real world, you're really no match for me at all!"

Blackstar shook a fist under Ox's nose. "Oh yeah? Well, I've brought reinforcements!" He waved a hand at Soul and Kid. "These guys are on my team! There's no way we're gonna lose!"

Ox snickered. "What is this, some kind of tournament? Is that how you want to play it?"

"Unless you wanna back out," Blackstar taunted. "I guess your buddies can't hold their own against mine! After all, we are the team that will surpass God!"

"Hello," Tsubaki greeted the others politely. "Would you like to join us?"

"I could use a snack," Kilik admitted.

"I don't mind," Kim shrugged. "But I want a different table far away from these two jackasses." She sat down next to Maka and Tsubaki. "You won't believe how embarrassed I was to be here the other night when Ox got it into his stupid, bald head to show off."

"Err…where are the twins?" Maka asked, glancing up at Kilik.

"I left them to play at home," Kilik said. "I can't bring them here! The place would never recover. And I don't have enough money to cover the damages they probably will cause."

"Bartender!" Blackstar and Ox were yelling.

"This is really very good," Kid said appreciatively, looking at his drink. "I should learn to make this at home."

"I wanna be on Blackstar's team, too!" Patty yelled, slapping the table to get Blackstar's attention. "Come on! I wanna drink, too!"

"Patty, it's three in the afternoon," Liz pointed out dryly.

"So?"

"Aagh."

"There are too many people, and it's too noisy," Crona moaned, covering his ears. "I don't know what to do!"

Ragnarok drilled his fists into either side of Crona's head. "We should be looking for that medicine and using it for ourselves!"

"What medicine?" Jacqueline asked.

"Ah…it's nothing! Nothing!" Maka gasped, waving her hands. "Ah, but I heard that Ox-kun was able to down thirty shots of tequila; that's pretty amazing! W-who would've thought he'd have such stamina, eh?"

Jacqueline smirked and Kim rolled her eyes. "Psshh, that's nothing," Kim said. "He's got a trick. But I'm not supposed to tell you."

Liz snorted. "Bet I know. That idiot Blackstar simply doesn't wanna listen."

"What do you mean the bar doesn't open until six?" Blackstar was shouting. "Open it now!"

"The customer is always right, and all that jazz," Ox added.

Kim sighed. "Blackstar isn't the only idiot."

"How did we get dragged into this?" Soul groaned.

Kid smiled and shrugged. "It seems like fun. I'm rather curious myself as to how much I can take. I've never tried getting myself drunk before."

"It's not the greatest experience. Really."

"Then why does everyone keep doing it?"

"Err…"

"Hya-HOOO!" Blackstar whooped. "They're setting up the stage for our big event! Get ready, you two, 'coz we're gonna whoop Ox's team's candy asses!"

Ox folded his arms over his chest. His glasses were gleaming. "Hmph! You're the ones who're about to be treated to the performance of a drinking god!"

"Bring it on!" Blackstar howled.

And the game began.

***

Pot of Thunder and Pot of Fire were actually rather put out that Kilik had gone and left them all alone to play by themselves.

They could understand that when it was nighttime they had to be good girls and go to bed early. They knew enough to keep the doors and windows locked so that no bad guys could get in while Kilik was out with his friends in that place that wouldn't let little children in.

Now there was something wrong with that, wasn't there? What kind of place didn't like children? There had to be something suspicious going on there. And Thunder and Fire were determined to show Kilik that he shouldn't go to places like that.

So, after silently saying sorry to Kilik and their house for breaking the rules, they went out. They made sure to lock the door behind them. And then they went down to 'Death on Fire'.

Of course, they were very careful not to let Kilik or anyone else see them. They would have to be very, very careful indeed while they scouted the area and figured out why little kids weren't allowed and why the place had a funny smell.

They had gone round the place twice before they spotted Kilik and his friends through a spot in the glass were the tint had flaked off. They were sitting at a long table near a counter. Behind the counter, a tall guy was busy lining up very small glasses with dark, golden liquid. Why were the glasses very small? Pot of Fire wondered, and Pot of Thunder said, Well, maybe they're for us. And Fire said, But we're not allowed inside. And Thunder shrugged, Who knows with big people? And Fire pouted and kicked petulantly at the ground, and her little toe came into contact with a bottle.

Being very curious, the twins squatted down beside the bottle. It looked like an ordinary medicine bottle, and it didn't look old. In fact, it looked as if it had just been bought that day. The twins turned the bottle around and around but they couldn't make out what the letters were on the label.

They looked at each other. Should they drink it?

Fire reached out and put her tiny fingers on the cover.

"Hullo, hullo, what are you two darlings doing here?"

The voice was familiar. Fire and Thunder looked up and saw a thin, blond young man standing next to them. They recognized him; he was the poor sod who kept getting ordered around in school. For a while he had, like, really cool powers, but then he went back to being a big wuss.

What now? Fire looked at Thunder.

Thunder blinked innocently up at the blond boy. Maybe he can tell us what this bottle is.

They waved the bottle at him.

***

Hero frowned slightly at the bottle that the Pot twins had just handed him. "Hmm? Well, this is a powerful laxative. What's the matter? You girls have constipation?"

The twins shook their heads.

"Then why do you have this?" Hero tried his best to look stern. He looked like a dove attempting to scare a hawk. "This isn't even what they give children for constipation, you know."

The twins heaved twin sighs. Then they pointed towards the window.

Hero's curiosity was getting the better of him. He squatted down with the twins and peeked through the flake in the tint.

His eyes went wide. There, inside the infernal bar, were his schoolmates. Blackstar, Soul, and Death the Kid were involved in what seemed to be a drinking contest against Ox, Harvar, and Kilik. The bartender was lighting up around thirty shot glasses of tequila. Ox had a smug look on his face, Harvar and Kilik only looked amused. Soul and Blackstar appeared to be riled up about something, while Kid looked impassive and unimpressed.

"It's that Oxford fellow," Hero hissed. "That guy who made me look like a moron in front of the whole school just the other day. I didn't even do anything to him! And he humiliated me!" He looked down at the twins. "I swear I was truly concerned that he had made a mistake in one of our assignments, but nooo, Mr. Brainiac over there wouldn't even consider it. He thinks he's so smart!"

The Pots twins looked at him, then at each other. They giggled. Then they nodded back at Hero.

Hero smiled gratefully. "Oh, I'm so glad you understand!" He actually wept tears of joy.

This time the twins sweatdropped.

Hero wiped at his eyes. The liquid contents of the bottle sloshed around sluggishly.

And an idea came to him.

His smile broadened into a grin, and an almost maniacal gleam came into his eyes. "Yes! Of course! This is the PERFECT opportunity!" He held the bottle dramatically up to the afternoon sunlight. "And I have the means by which I may exact revenge!"

The Pots blinked up at him.

He smiled down at them beatifically. "Thank you, little angels! Now go home. The ensuing madness will not be fit for younglings such as yourselves to witness!"

Hero stood up and approached the entrance to the bar.

***

Two rounds into the game and Blackstar and Soul were near-wasted.

Ox, on the other hand, was still sober and in complete control of himself even after downing twenty shots of tequila. Maka watched with growing admiration. Was it really possible that geeky, nerdy, bookwormy old Oxford really did have a godlike tolerance for alcohol? Or was it some kind of trick? Either way, she had to respect how he managed it. He was making Soul and Blackstar look like a couple of preschoolers.

Death the Kid, on the other hand, was proving to be a much worthier opponent. When his two 'teammates' turned an interesting shade of green, he stepped in and took over. Now he and Oxford were neck-and-neck, and Kid showed no sign of drunkenness. In fact, he was as cool and collected as usual, his gaze and hands still steady.

Maka glanced at Ox. He didn't seem to be rattled or worried. How odd. Didn't it bother him that he was facing a Shinigami? Maka frowned, all thoughts of her plan and of helping Liz and Patty temporarily out of the proverbial window. It HAD to be a trick.

"Of course it is," Liz whispered to her.

Maka started. "Eh? What?"

Liz smiled. "It's a trick."

Maka grinned sheepishly. "Is my face that transparent?"

"You kidding?" Kim laughed. "You've been trying to figure out how he does it for the past half hour."

Jacqueline winked. "Wanna know?"

Liz snorted. "Come off it, ladies. I know." She looked over at Blackstar and Soul, who were practically passed out, then at Ox, Harvar, and Kilik. "I think it's time we evened the odds."

She stood up. "Okay, Ox, how 'bout you and Kid have a REAL drinking contest."

Ox looked at her in surprise. "What? What are you talking about? We –were- having a drinking contest." He grinned. "Kid's about to find out that not even being a Shinigami can save him from—"

"From drinking too much sugar?" Liz supplied coyly.

Ox's grin disappeared. His two friends, however, started laughing.

"Game's up, Ox." Kilik said.

"Yeah. Now you're in trouble." Harvar added.

"W-wait a sec, here, you two, whose side are you on?" Ox demanded. His voice had gone up several octaves.

Liz smirked. "I noticed you let Kid, Soul and Blackstar have the first go at the tequila. Then you stepped up and had your turn but only AFTER you had the bartender set all of 'em on fire."

Ox gulped. "What about it? Don't tell me they're intimidated by a little fire."

Liz laughed. "Oh, intimidation wasn't your aim here, Oxxy-boy." She fixed him with an evil little smile. "You had 'em set on fire so you could BURN away the alcohol."

Maka straightened up. "So THAT'S how he's doing it! Of course! Alcohol burns!"

Tsubaki gasped. Kim and Jacqueline were looking at Liz with newfound respect. Even Kid seemed surprised, his golden eyes blinking at Liz. And then he smiled. "Good thinking, Liz. It's no wonder, then, that Blackstar couldn't beat him. He didn't let the bartender light up Blackstar's round."

"THAT IS CORRECT!"

The new voice startled all of them. Maka nearly slid off her chair and onto the floor, and Crona practically leaped three feet into the air.

Standing in the doorway, his slight frame silhouetted against the late afternoon light, was Hero. The smirk on his face was reminiscent of the time he held Excalibur in his hands as his weapon—annoying and smug. He was watching them, Ox in particular, with ill-concealed contempt.

Soul, who was slumped over their table, groaned. "Oh, no."

Kid's expression was one of disgust. "Not Excalibur again."

Hero ran a hand flamboyantly through his hair. "Excalibur? Nay! I am here of my own will, standing with my own power!" He pointed a finger at them. "If you wish to have a REAL drinking contest, then you must have an impartial judge." He spun around several times, somehow managing to end up right behind the counter. "I shall decide what you shall drink for the next rounds!"

"Who told you to barge in?" Ox stuttered. "We were doing fine without you!"

Hero smirked. "YOU were doing fine, as Liz has very intelligently pointed out. Now let's make sure there are no more tricks. I shall concoct a concoction so potent that it will leave no doubt in anyone's minds who the real King of Death on Fire is!"

"Tse," Ragnarok snorted. "He's just gonna use his pee."

"That's so unhygienic," Crona moaned. "I wouldn't know how to deal with it."

Ox looked like he was going to protest. Maka had had enough of him at this point, and stood up. "I agree," she said. "I think someone other than the bartender should orchestrate this contest."

"Why?" Ox demanded. "That's an insult to him; he happens to be very good at his job!"

"Precisely," Maka said, glaring at Ox. "If you tell him to do something, he'll do it, because if he doesn't he risks losing his job. Which means you can cheat and we wouldn't even know." She pointed at Hero. "But if HE takes over, no one can cheat. Fair is fair, and all that jazz."

Everyone except Ox grinned. They were clearly enjoying his predicament. And no, nobody had forgotten about how he'd treated Hero just a day ago. So, yes, this was bound to be interesting. AND funny.

Hero smiled and glanced down at the bottle of laxative in his hand.

***

Twenty minutes later, Oxford was dead drunk and dancing on top of their table with his shirt and pants half-off. Harvar, Kilik, Kim, and Jacqueline were laughing hysterically.

Soul and Blackstar had revived enough to settle down off to one side, nursing a couple glasses of whatever it was that Hero had mixed up, as well as their injured egos. Tsubaki was by Blackstar's side, rubbing his back and telling him not to do stupid things like that anymore.

Crona and Ragnarok were checking out the other drinks behind the bar and talking animatedly with Hero, who seemed a little nervous for some reason.

And Death the Kid was sitting calmly in his chair, quietly enjoying a chocolate mud pie and a glass of Long Island Iced Tea.

Maka sighed. They were right back where they started. Kid had consumed copious amounts of alcohol, and he wasn't drunk. Her plan wouldn't have worked after all, even with the Viagra.

"Epic fail," she muttered to Liz and Patty, who were watching everything. Patty was giggling to herself while guzzling down her own Hero-contrived drink, and Liz was sulking, a large, empty glass in one hand.

Liz pouted, then smiled at Maka. "Ah, well, you tried."

Maka folded her arms across her chest. "This isn't over! I'm sure we'll find a way!"

"Maka, he drank enough to put an entire ship of sailors to shame," Liz pointed out. "And look at him! Cool as you please, just chillin' there!" She rubbed at her chin. "Good Lord, maybe he really IS asexual…"

"Nee-chan, don't you mean maybe he really IS inhuman?" Patty asked, giggling inanely.

Maka shook her head. She refused to believe that Kid, who seemed just as human as the rest of them, would simply have something sprout out of his forehead to serve as his offspring. It just wasn't done that way! She'd seen how he had reacted to naked Blair before, and he was just as affected as Soul and Blackstar when it came to barely-dressed women. It was just his superhuman self-control, that was all. There HAD to be a way around this seemingly insurmountable obstacle.

"Oi, teacher's pet," Ragnarok suddenly appeared overhead, which meant that Crona was right behind her. "Can Crona and I go home now? It's past the time we usually do it, and I wanted to have some tonight."

Liz turned green. So did Maka. "Hai, hai, you don't have to announce it so damned casually, you know," Maka berated him. "Anyway, thanks for your help," she said to Crona, smiling. "It didn't work, but hey, we tried, right?"

Crona's gaze shifted from left to right, and then right to left. "Ah…well…actually…we found the medicine."

Maka and Liz stared at him with growing hope. "You did?"

Crona nodded. Ragnarok chortled. "That idiot Hero had it with him all along. It must've rolled out when Blackstar used his wave attack, and Hero must've picked it up before he went in."

Maka could barely contain her excitement. "Then maybe there's still time to get it into Kid-kun's drink!"

Crona fidgeted. "But…it's almost all used up. There's nothing left, really."

"Eh, no way!"

"But how'd that happen?" Liz asked. "Did the bottle break, or something?"

Crona scratched his head. Ragnarok mimicked him. "S-saa…" Crona said. "I saw it sticking out of Hero's back pocket when he turned around behind the counter. Ragnarok took it, but there was nearly nothing left."

Ragnarok harrumphed. "That bastard must've drunk it all down! Greedy pig! Horny sumbitch!"

Maka and Liz exchanged startled, alarmed glances. "Oh, my God…" Liz said.

"We've gotta ask him what he did with it!" Maka gasped.

Patty laughed and pointed. "There he goes! Right out the front door!"

Maka and Liz sprang into action. "Hero-kun, stop!" Maka yelled.

But instead of stopping, Hero seemed further spurred on to leave. He threw Maka a frightened look over his shoulder, then dashed out.

"What the--?" Maka practically leaped after him, knocking Ox off the table (much to everyone else's further amusement) and running flat out into the street. She was a bit tipsy, and it was starting to get dark, but her curiosity had gotten the better of her, and when Maka set her sights on something she usually got it. It was the same in this case.

Hero thought he was going to get away clean when something with the force of a super-typhoon smashed into his back and knocked him to the ground. He skidded along painfully until he finally came to a stop with the aid of a heavy boot stomping down on his cheek.

"Hero-kun!" Maka yelled, bending down so she could look him in the eye. "Spill! What did you do with the Viagra?"

Hero was seeing stars. "V-Viagra? Wh-what Viagra?"

"Don't play dumb! Listen, I'm not going to hurt you—"

"You just did," another voice said. Hero couldn't see but he recognized it. Liz.

"Oh. Sorry."

The boot came off his face, and someone helped him sit up. When Hero's vision cleared, he saw Maka squatting in front of him, her face dead-serious. Behind her was Liz.

"Hero-kun," Maka said, "what did you do with the Viagra? You won't get into trouble for this, and I know that you probably wanted to get back at Ox for making fun of you the other day, but—"

Hero rubbed at his cheek. "I'm telling you, Maka, I don't know anything about your Viagra."

"It's not mine."

"Oh? Then, why are you looking for it? Is it Soul's?"

"No, it's not his either. It's for Kid-kun."

"Kid-kun? As in, Death the Kid?"

"Yeah, that Kid-kun."

"What does he need Viagra for? He's a Shinigami. Aren't they always virile?"

"Well…what?"

"ANYway," Liz interjected. "Stop lying to us about it, Hero. Crona and Ragnarok said you had the bottle with you when you went into the bar." She planted her hands on her hips and glared at him. "So, unless you wanna say that our friend Crona is lying to us, you better start talking. NOW."

Hero gulped. Even Maka was impressed. This wasn't Liz Thompson, one of Kid's weapons, talking. This was Liz Thompson of the Demon Sisters of Brooklyn talking. "O-okay! I admit it! I used the medicine! I found it lying outside the bar, and thought it would be a good way to get back at Ox." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Please don't hurt me!"

Maka was slightly horrified. "How did you use it?"

"I put it in Ox's drink."

"All of it??"

"Well…no. I, uh, was mixing the whole thing together and completely forgot that Kid would get the other half." Hero bowed before Liz, prostrating himself. "I'm sorry! Forgive me! Please don't shoot me and leave me for dead on the street!"

But the girls were ignoring him. "Hear that?" Maka was saying to Liz. "Kid's got at least half of that bottle in him right now! It's your chance, Liz!"

Liz frowned, but her eyes shone with hope. "But…but he's not drunk, Maka…"

"It's okay! He drank a lot, there's a chance he's tipsy. And it doesn't matter! With that much Viagra in him, he probably doesn't even need to get drunk!"

Liz very uncharacteristically blushed and played with a lock of her hair. "You think so?"

Maka nodded. "Go for it, Liz-chan!"

Liz grinned. "Okay."

"Thanks, Hero-kuuuun!" they both said in unison before turning around and heading straight back to the bar.

Hero watched them go. He was utterly bewildered. And yet, even though they were nice to him in the end and even thanked him so cutely, he couldn't bring himself to tell them a couple of things that they apparently didn't know.

One, that wasn't Viagra. And two…

…he hadn't just mistakenly put it into JUST Ox's and Kid's drink.

Needless to say, nobody got any that night.

Except Crona and Ragnarok.

_Author's Note: Hullo. My apologies if the drinking contest seems unbelievable or just plain wrong. Very little experience in that arena, so I just wrote it as best as I could. :)_


	3. One Craptastic Aftermath

It was morning.

Maka Albarn very sluggishly hauled her sorry ass out of bed. She never thought she'd be so happy to see the sun's obnoxious face or hear its guttural, mocking laugh. After last night's horribly DISGUSTING ordeal, she was glad that most of it was out of her system. Her stomach still gurgled threateningly, but she was certain that she was mostly all right.

The same thing could not be said about Soul. The poor thing was up almost all night, alternately puking and crapping in the bathroom. The smell was, in Maka's opinion, out of this world. It was so bad that Blair had transformed into her feline form and skittered swiftly away.

Maka cautiously peered over at Soul. He was lying on his stomach, groaning pitifully every five minutes or so. 'This was some bug we got,' she thought as she left the room to fix (a very light and inoffensive) breakfast. 'I wonder if anyone got as sick as we did.'

Twenty minutes later, the phone rang. It was Tsubaki, her usually mild voice sounding very worried over the line. "I'm so sorry to disturb you so early, Maka-chan," she said after they exchanged greetings, "but Blackstar's not feeling so well today, and I wondered if you had any medicine for a bad stomach."

"Wow, what a coincidence. I'm not feeling very well, myself, and Soul must've emptied out even his stomach acid last night."

Tsubaki gasped. "Oh, my…you felt ill, too? Did you throw up?"

"No, but Soul did," Maka suddenly felt a familiar niggling sensation at the back of her brain. She usually got that whenever her intuition sensed something was wrong. "Actually, we both had a very bad case of loose bowel movement the minute we got home."

"Oh, dear," Tsubaki said. "I do hope you're both okay?"

"Well, I am, for the most part. Soul's still out cold, and I think he's not quite recovered yet." Maka was getting more and more suspicious by the second. "I wonder if it was something we ate. Did you feel queasy after we left the bar?"

"No. I was fine."

"Hmm. We all had basically the same thing," Maka said. It was true. They had had a little of each other's lunch. "Do you think it was something we _drank_?"

Tsubaki contemplated that a moment. "I drank juice and nothing else."

Maka's eyes widened slightly. Tsubaki hadn't had any of the alcoholic beverages, while everyone else did. Was it the beer? Unlikely. She'd never reacted that way to beer before. Which left the only other drink they'd had that night, and that was…

"Hero-kun's mix," she said.

"What DID he put in there?" Tsubaki wondered. "Oh, no, if that was it, then probably everyone else is sick, too. I think I was the only one who didn't drink."

"Did Crona have some?"

"Why, yes, I believe he did," Tsubaki said.

Maka cursed. "I've gotta check up on him! Ragnarok can't take care of him. They're attached to each other."

"I'll go check on the others. Ah!"

There was the sound of the phone being placed on the table with a rather abrupt clunk, and another sound, farther away, of someone barfing. Then there were hurried footsteps, and the sound of a door slamming. Tsubaki was calling out to someone, probably Blackstar. Maka didn't need any more imagination than she already had to figure out what was going on.

After a while, Tsubaki came back to the phone. "Ano…gomen ne, Maka-chan, but I have to go. Blackstar's—"

"I know," Maka sighed. "I'm going to check up on Crona, then kill Hero-kun."

Tsubaki managed a laugh. Then they said their goodbyes and hung up.

Crona and Ragnarok didn't have a landline in their guest room at Shibusen, and phone signals didn't make it to the underground tunnels and hallways of the school. That meant Maka had to brave walking to the school and risk feeling the urge to crap on the way there.

Maka sighed again. "Oh, well."

"Oi," a groggy voice said from the bedroom. Soul was poking his head out and peering blearily around. "Where are you off to?"

"I've got to go check on Crona," she said. "Sorry, Soul, but you're gonna have to stay home by yourself for a bit."

Soul groaned. "Why are you checking on Crona? Don't tell me he's sick, too?"

"Tsubaki just called; Blackstar's under the weather, too, with the same thing you and I have got." Maka smiled ruefully. "I think there was something in Hero-kun's mysterious mix."

Soul groaned again. "I'm going to kill him. Blackstar's probably in a worse state. He had much more of it."

Maka laughed. "Yeah, well, serves him right for getting into a stupid drinking contest." She went over to Soul and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Sorry. I'll get back as soon as possible."

"Can't I just go with you? I wanna kick Hero's ass."

"Not in that state, you won't. Now stay put and behave."

Soul looked like he was about to protest some more when a strange look passed over his face and he stumbled hurriedly towards the bathroom, clutching his stomach.

Maka sweatdropped.

***

She was about halfway to Shibusen when it hit her.

That night, EVERYONE except Tsubaki had had some of whatever it was that Hero had mixed up for them. And that meant that two people, specifically the ones involved in the drinking contest, had ingested more of it than anyone else at the bar.

Ox.

And Death the Kid.

Maka suddenly sat down in the middle of the street and let out a long, low groan of frustration. "Oh, Goooood, what the hell happened last night?"

"I was hoping you could tell me," a familiar voice said from nearby, and before Maka could react, a hand settled on her shoulder.

She shrieked.

"Maka," Death the Kid said calmly, "it's just me. Not a mugger."

Maka thought her heart would jump out of her chest. "Kid-kun! You scared the bejeezus outta me! What's with you, sneaking up on people like that?"

Kid's expression was slightly apologetic. "Sorry. Didn't mean to. I was on my way to your house when I sensed your soul here, and so…"

Maka went still. "Wh-why were you going to my house?"

Kid looked at her. His golden eyes were especially disconcerting. Maka wondered if she was just being paranoid, or if it was her guilt speaking. "Liz and Patty are both…under the weather," he finally said. "I'm thinking it was the alcohol that did them in. Are you and Soul both fine?"

Maka gulped. "Err…well, no. We kind of both have…err…you know…trouble with our bowels."

Kid blinked. "And yet you're out here? Where are you going?"

"School. I have to check on Crona…"

Concern passed over Kid's features. "You're right; Crona and Ragnarok were drinking, too, weren't they? If it was something in the drink—and I suspect there was—then they'll be sick, too." He gently pulled Maka to her feet. "I might as well go with you. You don't look too good, still."

"Ah…you don't have to, I'm—"

"I insist. The least I can do if, err, anything happens is to find you a good roll of tissue."

Maka turned red. Oh, Lord, that would be more embarrassing than rolling around on the floor and pretending to be in the horrid grip of menstrual pain, and she told him so.

He chuckled. "We can both pretend it never happened. Shall we go? Crona may not be feeling well, and Ragnarok won't be any help, as he's attached to his meister."

"That's what I said to Tsubaki-chan earlier," Maka told him.

"Tsubaki has contacted you?"

Maka nodded. "Blackstar's ill, too."

Kid rubbed his chin. "So it WAS the drink." He frowned. "I wonder what Hero put in there. Perhaps I should ask him later, after we've seen Crona."

Oh, God, no. Maka was close to panicking. If this went any further, then Kid might just find out what she and Liz and Patty had been up to. "Ah…well, maybe that's not necessary, Kid-kun…"

He gave her a sidelong glance. "Of course it is, Maka. If he involved the rest of you in his little revenge against Ox, he must be sternly admonished."

"But…don't _you_ feel ill, Kid-kun?"

"No. As I've told you before, I've got a very reliable constitution."

Maka sighed inwardly. This wasn't going to end well.

They reached Shibusen and made their way down to Crona's room. Maka told herself to stay alert for any possible slips-of-the-tongue Ragnarok might make, then knocked on the door.

"Hai?" Crona's voice answered.

"Crona!" Maka called out as cheerfully as she could. "It's me, Maka!"

There was the sound of a deadbolt sliding and the turning of a key, and then the door swung open inwards. Crona caught sight of Maka and smiled. "Ah, good morning, Maka—"

And then he saw Kid.

"Aah…g-good m-m-morning, Kid-san…" he stammered, growing several shades paler. "Wh-wh-what a s-surprise…"

Maka smiled, hoping it didn't look forced or pained. "May we come in?"

Crona nodded. He looked like a frantic chicken. "H-hai, mochiron…dozo, dozo…"

"He doesn't look too happy to see me," Kid said quietly to Maka.

Maka laughed nervously. "D-don't be silly. He's just surprised that you're visiting him."

Kid looked thoughtful. "I usually get this reaction from senior citizens. Or from really sick people. It's weird coming from a young, healthy person."

Maka sweatdropped. If he only knew the real reason behind Crona's nervousness…

Crona was fidgeting. "I-I'm awfully sorry…I don't have food here right now…so I can't offer you anything…and my bed's still a mess…and—"

"It's okay, it's okay!" Maka raised her hands. "We just came to see if you were all right."

Crona blinked. He seemed genuinely surprised at this. "I-I'm fine."

Now it was Maka's turn to be genuinely surprised. "H-honto ni?"

Crona nodded. "Mm, perfectly."

Maka scratched at the back of her head. "Oh…well…that's good, then…"

Crona looked bewildered. "Is there any reason…why I wouldn't be fine?"

"It's just that almost everyone we were with last night felt awful afterwards, and had a bad case of LBM," Kid explained. "And Maka was worried that you might be suffering from the same thing."

"Oh! Well…no, I'm all right."

"You betcha asses we're all right!" another voice shouted, and Chibi-Ragnarok erupted from Crona's back. He glared at Maka and Kid triumphantly. "Ha!" he jeered. "Couldn't handle it, eh? Well, too bad! Nothing stopped me and Crona from having so much fun last night, ESPECIALLY when we got back here and started—"

"Ragnarok!!!" Maka yowled, mortified.

"Don't tell them that," Crona added. "It's very embarrassing!"

"Keh!" Ragnarok spat. "It's OUR room, we can say whatever we want!"

"Well, we're your GUESTS, so don't just divulge sex secrets to us! We're not even interested!" Maka shot back.

Ragnarok made a face at her. "Shut up! You'd probably benefit from listening; you don't look like you'd be very good in bed!"

Maka turned red. "For your information, I happen to be very good in bed!"

Kid delicately cleared his throat.

Maka turned even redder.

Ragnarok laughed.

Crona covered his ears. "I don't know how to deal with this…my friend is saying she's good in bed…what should I say in return??"

Maka buried her face in her hands. Oh, this did not go well at all.

"Well," Kid said mildly, "since you and Ragnarok are obviously in high spirits and not feeling sick at all, Maka and I will take our leave. So sorry to have bothered you at this hour."

Crona managed a wan smile. "Ah…h-hai…so sorry if I wasn't any help, and sorry that Ragnarok made Maka collapse on the floor like that…"

"Damn it," Maka sobbed as she sprawled flat on the cold, stone ground. "Damn it, depressed, die!"

Crona and Kid regarded her wordlessly for a moment. Kid's face was completely deadpan. "You know…" Kid began slowly, "I should stop setting such a bad example. Look at her. She's pathetic." He turned to Crona, worriedly. "Do I look as pathetic as that?"

"You're even worse!" Ragnarok huffed. "You stick your ass up in the air! Every time I see it, I wanna paint a bull's-eye on it and ask Liz and Patty to shoot you!"

Kid stared at him. "Oh, very funny. Surely it must occur to you that they wouldn't shoot me?"

Ragnarok chortled. "Gupipipi…you mean they can't, since those THREE FRIGGIN' WHITE STRIPES in your damn HAIR would compleeeeetely throw off their aim!! Asymmetrical asswipe!!!"

Kid looked like he'd just been punched in the gut. Two seconds later and he was on the floor next to Maka, sprawled out and hammering the ground with his fist. "I'm a pig! A trash-like being! I don't deserve to live! Put me out on the curb on garbage day!"

"Me, too!" Maka cried. "I can't believe I said it in front of you! I've made you think I was a slut!"

"Damn it! Depressed! Die!" they chanted together, then bawled.

Crona watched his friends go to pieces for a while, and then sighed. Boy, was he lucky he hadn't gotten a hangover. That would've been the icing on the cake.

***

After about an hour, both Maka and Kid had recovered enough to pick themselves up and leave Shibusen. They didn't say anything to each other as they went down the steps of the school and into the street.

Maka kept wincing inwardly. She still wasn't quite over the fact that she'd just blurted out something so embarrassing, in front of Kid, no less. She couldn't even _look_ at him now, never mind that they'd spent so much time together, as friends and as teammates, never mind that they'd fought deadly battles together. 'I'm such an idiot…and I'm supposed to be helping _him_, and Patty-chan and Liz-chan…aaagh, stupid Ragnarok! If only I hadn't gotten so caught up arguing with him…now I've said something irreversibly lethal to my reputation—'

"Maka."

She nearly leaped three feet into the air. "H-h-hai?"

Kid fixed the skull that served as the top button of his shirt, trying to look as dignified as possible. "Consider my memory of anything that was said in Crona's room today completely erased."

Maka stared at him speechlessly for a moment. Then, impulsively, because she felt suddenly relieved, she hugged him. "Thank you!"

Kid looked slightly embarrassed, and he quickly shrugged out of it. "Don't be silly. We have more important matters to think about than that ridiculous exchange we had with Ragnarok."

Maka released him and nodded. "Sou, sou." She was more resolved now to get him into bed with Liz and Patty. Someone that selfless and generous definitely deserved twice the booty.

Kid frowned. "I suppose I should go and ask Hero what he put in that drink he served us yesterday."

Someone that logical and single-minded should get Maka-Chopped until he learns to relax. Panicking had been the last thing on Maka's To-Do List, but now it was jacked up to number one. "Err…yeah! Of course…but I think I should check up on Soul first. You should go back and check on Liz-chan and Patty-chan."

Kid nodded. "You're right. Then we can both find Hero later. I think he's got some explaining to do."

Maka watched him leave, making sure he was headed towards Gallows Mansion. He really was concerned for Liz and Patty. Maka sighed, wondering if the two girls hated her yet, then turned and made her way home. It was about time for her to use the bathroom, anyway…

"Soul?" Maka called out when she walked through the door. "Soul, are you all right?"

No answer.

Maka frowned. She hurried over to the bathroom and knocked. "You in there, Soul?"

Still no answer.

Maka checked the entire apartment.

Soul was nowhere to be found.

Maka stood in the living room, scratching her head. Where in Death City could the idiot have gone?

The phone rang.

Maka picked it up. "Hello?"

"Maka-chan!" Tsubaki's usually gentle voice was frantic.

"Tsubaki-chan! What's wrong?"

"Blackstar's not home! I just went to the pharmacy to get him something for his stomach, and when I got back he wasn't here!" Maka could almost see Tsubaki wringing her hands. "Where could he have gone? I told him not to leave the house! He's still sick!"

Maka groaned. "Soul's not home, either."

There was a very pregnant pause.

"Maka-chan…" Tsubaki began, "You…you don't think…"

"That those two idiots are together? Oh, beyond the shadow of a doubt, Tsubaki-chan." Maka grumbled. "The real question is, where could they have gone?"

"I—"

Suddenly, purple light erupted from the floor in front of Maka. She screamed and threw herself backwards onto the couch, nearly tipping it over. The light took the form of a circle, bursts of black lightning that looked suspiciously like skulls with tails spasmodically going around it. In moments, a figure appeared within the light.

"Maka?" Death the Kid called.

Maka stared at him. The bugger had projected an image of himself right into her apartment. "Kid-kun??"

"I'm so sorry to bother you, but—"

Maka vaulted up from the couch and bared all her teeth at Kid. "Bother me?? You didn't bother me, Kid, you scared the living daylights outta me!"

Kid flinched. "Oh…right…I've never contacted you like this before."

"Don't ever scare me like that again!"

"H-hai…"

Maka managed to compose herself. "Ahem…anyway, what's up?"

Kid looked rather worried. "Well…Liz and Patty aren't home."

Oh. My. God.

Maka slapped a hand to her forehead. "Aagh, don't tell me they're all together!"

Kid blinked. "'They'?"

"Soul, Blackstar, Liz-chan, and Patty-chan."

Kid's brows furrowed deeply. "Why would they…oh…" His eyes widened slightly. "Hero."

"Maka-chan?? Maka-chan???"

Maka realized that Tsubaki was still on the phone. She'd miraculously managed to hold on to it through her surprise. "Ah, hai! Sorry, Tsubaki-chan, Kid-kun popped up in my living room, and—"

"Makaaaaaaaa!!!"

Something burst through the door with the force of a hurricane on steroids. Maka only had time to glimpse long, tawny hair and a pair of wide, blue eyes before whatever or whoever it was tackled her to the couch and straddled her. The phone went flying into the air.

Maka stared up at her assailant.

"Makaaaaaaa!" Liz wailed again. The demon gun looked dangerously close to tears. "Oh, Maka, it was awful, just awful! The most embarrassing thing happened to me and Patty last night!"

Maka blinked owlishly at her. "Ah…ah…you crapped up a storm?"

"Yes!" Liz cried, grabbing at her hair. "Oh, it was terrible! And it just HAD to happen last night! Last night, of all nights! Our golden opportunity to get laid was ruined, absolutely ruined, and I'll never be able to live it down!!" She was letting loose a fountain of tears. "We felt awful, we _smelled_ awful, EVERYTHING was awful! And Patty and I were about to rape Kid, too." She angrily punched the wall next to her. "I'm going to KILL Hero!" she seethed. "What the hell did he put in that drink?? It sure wasn't Via—"

Maka waved a hand frantically at her. "Liz-chan…err…now isn't the right time…" she pointed at the projected image of Kid in the center of her living room.

Liz turned and looked at her meister. She lost all the color in her cheeks. Even her clothes looked like they'd suddenly been bleached. "Oh…my…God…"

For his part, Kid no longer looked impassive. His mouth hung open in a huge O of surprise, and while the purple haze made it hard to determine his real color, it looked as if he was blushing.

"Hiya, Kid-kun!" Patty called out cheerfully. She had caught the phone and was chatting animatedly with Tsubaki. "So, anyway, Tsubaki-chan, we made such a mess in the bathrooms in Kid-kun's house last night! Haha, yeah, we sure stank up the place real good! Hahaha, it's a good thing Kid-kun's house has more than one bathroom, or else he would've ended up cleaning up after us!"

"Why are you telling Tsubaki-chan all that?" Maka demanded.

"What are you doing in Maka's house?" Liz demanded of Kid.

"I am not in Maka's house!" Kid sounded indignant. "I'm back home, and I was going to check on you, you two idiots who are sick! But what do I find? That you're not here! So of course I'd call someone!" He pointed at her. "But what about you? What are YOU doing in Maka's house?" The blush on his cheeks deepened. "And—and what's all this about raping me?"

"Th-that's none of your damn business!"

"What?? How can that be none of my business??"

Patty laughed. "Hehehe, but then at one point the toilet wouldn't flush! And Kid-kun doesn't know that yet! Oh, well, now he does, since he's kind of here with us—"

Kid's blush disappeared. Now he looked pale. "W-wouldn't flush...? Which…which toilet…?"

"The one near my room, silly!"

Kid gasped. "I—excuse me, Maka. I have to clean that up." Then he aimed a stern look at Liz. "Don't you and your sister move a muscle. I want you two to stay there until I can come pick you up myself!"

The purple light and electric, black skulls disappeared.

Liz groaned. "I can't believe I let the cat out of the bag."

Maka struggled to sit up. "Not quite. You didn't mention that I was in on it. And I managed to cut you off when you were about to say Viagra."

Liz buried her face in her hands. "I'm sorry, Maka."

"It's all right. Patty-chan distracted him." Maka finally managed to squirm out from under Liz. "Now come on. We have to find Soul and Blackstar."

"Where on earth are we going to start looking for those two blockheads?" Liz asked.

Maka sighed. "I have a pretty good idea where to start looking."

Liz quirked an eyebrow. "Hero's house?"

"Yep."

"But Kid-kun said to stay here," Patty said, grinning from ear-to-ear.

Liz snorted. "Since when did we listen to him, anyway?"

"I'd forget about Hero's house, if I were you," a new voice said, and Blair the cat appeared at the window.

"Blair!" Maka exclaimed. "What do you mean?"

Blair used her tail to point in a vague direction. "They're tearing up the street in pursuit of Hero already," she purred. "I went back here 'coz I have this feeling they'll soon cause a disaster."

"Uh-oh," Maka said. "Where are they?"

Blair smiled blissfully. "Running in the direction of Shibusen."

***

It wasn't very hard to find them.

For one thing, they weren't moving at their usual speed. The only reason Hero was able to keep a healthy distance between them was because Soul and Blackstar were simply too ill to catch up. Soul was nearly doubled over and he was clutching at his stomach while trying to stab at Hero with his arm, which was in the form of a scythe blade. Blackstar was clutching at his stomach AND his ass, and his knees were scraping each other as he fought to keep up and keep his crap from spilling out into his pants.

Tsubaki had gotten there ahead of Maka, Liz, and Patty, and the poor girl was yelling at them to stop it already before they made a mess of themselves. She was, of course, being ignored. Soul and Blackstar went on chasing Hero all over the front grounds of the school. They looked especially pathetic while going up and down the stairs.

Maka rubbed at her temples. She was starting to get a headache. "Will you two knock it off!!" she roared. "Nothing good will come out of this if you just beat him up, so just sit down and—"

"Hiii-YAAA!" Blackstar howled. He tried shooting out his soul wavelength, but all that came out was a pathetic little wave that fizzled out and died within two seconds of leaving his palm. "Damn it!"

"P-please reconsider!" Hero was begging them. "I'll explain everything!"

"Explain what, Hero?" Maka shouted at him as he passed by. She tried grabbing him, but he twisted out of her reach and scampered away. "Get back here!"

"I'm so sorry, Maka!" he cried, leaking tears. He was REALLY frightened of Soul and Blackstar. The two were trying to kill him AND trying to hold onto their potential mess. Their expressions were murderous and pained and desperate all at once. "I—I didn't tell you this last night, but—"

Maka began running alongside him. "But what??" she demanded.

"It wasn't Viagra that I put in there!" he sobbed.

They were currently running around in circles in front of the school. Maka wondered briefly what sight they must have made. "What are you talking about, Hero?"

"The bottle I saw wasn't Viagra!" Hero panted. "It was a powerful kind of laxative!"

Maka processed this for a scant few seconds before reaching out and pinching Hero's ear, making him squeal like a pig. "Why the HELL did you put laxative in our drinks?" she screamed into the captive organ. "What the HELL did we ever do to you? If you were just mad at Ox, then why didn't you isolate HIS drink, eh??"

Hero was really crying now. He and Maka were still running, and Soul and Blackstar were still yelling at him and trying to catch up. "I'm sorry!" he said for what must've been the hundredth time that morning. "It was an accident! I swear to you I never meant to involve you or the others! It just completely slipped my foresight that the mix would get passed around, and—"

"Foresight my ass!" Maka retorted. She let go of Hero's ear. "I should do Soul and Blackstar a favor and murder you right here!"

"Yeah, go for it, Maka," Soul croaked out.

"You can take the stage this time," Blackstar agreed, his face stretched in a hideous grin of (what he meant to be) encouragement.

"I'm not done questioning him!" Maka called back over her shoulder. "Hero, we didn't lose a bottle of laxative, we lost a bottle of Viagra! Where the hell did that laxative come from?"

Hero shook his head. "I don't know! I swear, I just saw it lying around outside the bar! The Pots twins were about to open it! I had to stop them! And then I thought of taking revenge on Ox!"

"What's going on?"

Crona had appeared at the front door and was peering cautiously out at the chase. Maka stopped running alongside Hero and went over to the purple-haired boy. "Crona! Good thing you're here," she said, slightly out of breath. "What medicine did you and Ragnarok buy yesterday?"

Crona was watching Soul and Blackstar; both boys had stopped in their tracks and were twisting around in agony. "What are they doing?"

Maka made a face. "Trying to keep their crap from escaping. Crona, what did you and Ragnarok buy yesterday?"

Ragnarok materialized out of Crona's back. "Oho, so now you're interested in our sex drug, are you? Well, go ahead and have some more of it! But it has a strange effect on you."

Maka scowled at him. "What are you talking about? Was it YOU?" A horrible realization dawned on her. "It WAS you! YOU bought the drug! You were the one who got laxative instead of—"

"What do you mean, 'instead of'?" Ragnarok shot back. "I got what Crona and I always use!"

Maka stared at him. Her mouth opened and closed and opened again, but nothing came out.

Liz and Patty came up to them. "Kilik and Harvar have just arrived, and they're trying to kill Hero, too." Liz reported. "They're going about it in pretty much the same way Soul and Blackstar were."

"Now there are four people running after Hero! In school!" Patty laughed gleefully, clapping her hands. "I wanna join 'em!"

Maka gave herself a mental shake. "Wh-what? Wait…" she fixed Ragnarok with as steady a gaze as she could muster. "You…got what you and Crona…"

"Always use!" Ragnarok declared, puffing out his chest. "Gotta keep the airstrip clear and all that, y'know? I mean, we don't wanna get infections or anything like that! So yeah." He shrugged.

Maka and Liz looked sick. "Oh, god…" Liz groaned, one hand going to her stomach. "I don't think I can handle that kind of info right now…"

"Don't throw up here!" Maka gasped.

Liz glared at Ragnarok. "How could you?"

Ragnarok put his fists on (what was probably) his waist. "Tse! Why are you blaming me? This whole situation came about because you don't have any feminine wiles to tempt your prissy meister with! If you had a sexier figure you wouldn't need to intoxicate him!"

Liz's eyes caught fire. "Wh-what?? How DARE you, you little imp!"

"Face it, sister," Ragnarok said, tauntingly, "You just don't have it! Try to accept that Kid doesn't like older women, you ugly CRONE!"

Liz lunged for him. Patty leaped in and held her back, laughing delightedly.

Crona bowed his head. "I'm sorry! I didn't know you guys used a different drug."

Maka managed a watery smile for him. "Ahaha…ha…it's okay…you tried to help, that's what matters…and…what the heck is that god-awful smell?"

They heard Tsubaki let out a distressed cry. There, in the center of Shibusen's welcoming ground, was Blackstar. Both his hands were grabbing at the seat of his pants. His expression was almost indescribable: eyes as round as saucers, nostrils flared, lips pursed and twitching, and his entire body trembled.

Liz covered her mouth and nose with her hands. "Ewwwww, Blackstar!"

"I…couldn't…keep all the greatness in…" he gasped out brokenly.

"Blackstar," Tsubaki wailed.

Soul was on his hands and knees. "We were so close to catching that bastard…" he began dramatically.

The bastard in question was still running around in circles, this time pursued by Kilik and Harvar. "Don't…worry…" Kilik grunted. He was sweating bullets and his glasses were horribly askew. "We'll…get him…for ya…"

"And for Ox," Harvar added, struggling to put one foot in front of the other. "You bastard!" he yelled at Hero. "Ox is practically glued to his toilet because of what you did!"

"He deserved it!" Hero yelled. "I never meant to involve you! Just him! To teach him a lesson!"

"We'll…teach…YOU…a lesson!" Kilik growled.

"Don't make it worse," Maka implored, slapping her forehead. Everything had been doomed from the start. Kid wouldn't have gotten drunk and horny. Hell, he hadn't even gotten diarrhea.

Maka looked up at the sky, the swirling, white clouds, and the laughing sun. What would it take? What would it take to wear Kid down and get him into bed with Liz and Patty? Was there truly no hope? Were her two friends doomed to eternal spinsterhood?

"Oi, oi, oi!" a familiar, low, guttural voice boomed out from the school entrance. Maka felt her stomach drop to her shoes.

It was Sid-sensei.

"What are you guys doing here?" he asked, looking around. "It's a holiday! And…what is that god-awful smell??"

Maka sucked in a quick, hissing breath. "Brace yourselves, people," she said. "Things are about to get a whole lot worse."

"OOOOOOOORRRRAAAAAAAAORAORAORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Blackstar roared at the top of his lungs. "It's all out, anyway, so I might as well go all out myself! Tsubaki! Demon Blade Mode!"

Tsubaki gasped. "Absolutely not!"

Blackstar smirked. He directed his deadliest glare at Hero, who froze in fear. "Then…it's come down to this! Soul!"

Soul stood up. "UO! Let's do it, Blackstar!!!"

"Soul, wait!" Maka yelled.

Summoning his strength, Soul leaped high into the air, his scythe arm raised and at the ready, his soul wavelength stabilizing and electrifying the air around him. He bore down on Hero, who stood rooted to the spot, too terrified to run away. At the same time, Blackstar snapped his arm out, his palm aimed directly at Hero.

"Die, you loser!!" the ninja screamed.

And he let loose his soul wavelength attack. With perfect timing, Soul slammed right into it, his blade coming down right on top of Hero, who let out the most effeminate scream anyone had ever heard from the male species.

What Blackstar and Soul didn't take into consideration was that their target stood right in front of the school.

The impact and explosion shook the city to its very foundations.

And when the smoke cleared, the front of the school had been reduced to rubble.

Maka took one look at Sid's face, then shut her eyes.

"ALL RIGHT!" Sid bellowed. "Everyone to Shinigami-sama's office! NOW!! Blackstar, get your ass cleaned up and get it over there IMMEDIATELY! Do you UNDERSTAND??"

Yep. Things had gotten a whole LOT worse.


	4. Doctor, Doctor

"Hoho…is that what happened?"

Shinigami-sama, principal of Shibusen and grand protector of Death City as well as guardian of the world, stood before Maka, Soul, Blackstar, Tsubaki, Liz, Patty, Crona, Harvar, and Kilik. Hero was not present, as he was in the infirmary getting his wounds treated. He was also unconscious, and would probably be so for the next two days.

Maka hung her head in shame. She was one of the school's top students and best meisters. Soul was a Death Scythe, for crying out loud. Blackstar and Tsubaki were also one of the most powerful teams in Shibusen, and Tsubaki was almost there with her soul collection. Liz and Patty were Shinigami-sama's son's weapons, and they were also nearing Death Scythe status. And now who knew what punishment awaited them? Their souls could very well be confiscated and they'd have to start from scratch _again_.

She didn't want to think about it. Her father, Spirit, Shinigami-sama's main weapon, was giving her a very disapproving look. And Maka sure as hell didn't want to think of what her mother would say. She'd probably stop sending her postcards, and Maka didn't want that.

"Sir," Sid spoke up. "They destroyed school grounds, school property, and Blackstar crapped in the middle of the front yard."

"I couldn't help it!" Blackstar yelled at him.

"Shut up!"

Shinigami-sama scratched at his head with one of his oversized hands. "We-ell…this is a sorry situation indeed. Getting all that fixed up is going to cost an arm and a leg. I'd understand if you guys tore up the place while fighting an enemy, but you guys were just ganging up on Hero, never mind that he's a bit of a wussy meister and probably had it coming to him." He heaved a big sigh. "This is bad. It looks like I really may have to punish you."

Maka looked up. "Sh-shinigami-sama, we're truly very sorry—"

"It's all that Hero's fault!" Kilik exclaimed. "He was the one who put that medicine in our drinks, and now we're suffering for it."

Shinigami-sama shrugged. "Not that I don't feel bad for you guys, but at least Hero kept that little prank of his outside of school, Kilik-kun."

"You people, on the other hand, brought it to school and destroyed school property," Sid pointed out sternly.

"Are you saying you care more for school property than you do for its students?" Soul demanded.

"No, no, that's not what we're saying at all," Shinigami-sama said quickly, heading off what would have been an angry retort from Spirit and Sid. "I do intend to talk to Hero about this prank he pulled on all of you, but the fact remains that you wrecked part of the school, Soul-kun."

Blackstar folded his arms across his chest. "I'm responsible for most of the damage! If you're going to punish someone, punish me! These guys didn't do anything. Me, the Great Blackstar, can take on whatever punishment you decide to give the entire group!"

"Well, that's very admirable of you, Blackstar-kun," Shinigami-sama complimented him. "But the fact also remains that none of them decided to try and stop you from committing such a rash act. Letting something bad happen is the same as doing the deed itself."

Maka hung her head again. Shinigami-sama was right.

"Still, the circumstance under which this was done…that intrigues me."

Maka's head snapped up again. Beside her, Liz flinched. Patty giggled.

Shinigami-sama remained silent for a while. A long while. His mask made it impossible for them to read his face (which they've never seen before), but it seemed as if he was staring at all of them—and Maka felt that he was staring at HER, especially. She wanted to scream.

And then the Lord of Death clapped his big hands together and said jovially, "Well! I suppose I can overlook this incident just this once! You may go. You'll all be called in some time to help with the reconstruction of the school grounds you destroyed, but for now just relax!"

Spirit looked stunned, and Sid's mouth fell open. "Ah…Shinigami-sama!" Sid sputtered. "A-are you sure?"

"Hai, hai, they're all young and prone to making mistakes, but that's what youth is for anyway, isn't it?" Shinigami-sama waved one hand dismissively. "Go on, get outta here. Soul-kun, Blackstar-kun, Kilik-kun, and Harvar-kun, go home and rest. You're all still rather ill, right? You'll need to get better soon, so we can start on the reconstruction. Tsubaki-chan, take care of Blackstar. Make sure he doesn't sneak out and make a mess elsewhere; having dropped a bomb in the front yard was bad enough. Crona-kun and Ragnarok-kun, you're both dismissed as well, and do try to stay out of trouble. Maka-chan, Liz-chan, and Patty-chan…_stay behind please_."

Maka, Liz, and Patty exchanged glances. Maka and Liz were horrified. Uh-oh.

When the others and Sid had gone, Shinigami-sama clapped his hands together again. The sound made Maka and Liz start. "Now then!" Shinigami-sama began jovially, "I noticed that you three kept strangely quiet during the whole time your friends were explaining. Maka-chan, you didn't say anything at all. Liz-chan, you didn't make a single sarcastic comment. And Patty-chan…oh, wait, Patty-chan was being herself." He laughed. "Well, well, this is unusual indeed. Maka-chan, something seems to be bothering you."

Maka swallowed nervously. "Ah…well…it's nothing, really—"

"Now, now, Maka-chan, you know you can tell me anything. And I caught all the inconsistencies Soul-kun was making when he was explaining how all this came about. Seemed like he was protecting someone, or several someones."

Maka cringed. "It…it's just that…"

"I suspect there's more to this than meets the eye," Shinigami-sama went on. "Could it be about my son Kid-kun?"

Maka and Liz froze. Patty laughed. "Wow, good guess, Shinigami-sama!" she cheered.

"Patty!" Liz gasped.

Shinigami-sama chortled, amused. "Hoho! Guess I'm still good at some things, hey?"

"But…but…how did you know…?" Maka asked.

Shinigami-sama raised a finger. "Well, he's not here. I just thought I'd take a blind shot and see if it hits."

Maka sweatdropped and Liz groaned. "He got us good there, didn't he?" Liz sighed.

"So!" Shinigami-sama said. "What's up with Kid-kun? How is he connected to the front of Shibusen getting reduced to rubble?"

Maka and Liz looked at each other again, wondering how to explain it. "W-well…" Maka began.

"Nee-chan and I wanna do it with Kid-kun!" Patty announced.

Maka and Liz lost all their color.

Spirit stared at Patty. "Wh-what??"

Patty threw out her hands and put on her best plaintive look. "Well, we've been partners for such a long time, and everyone else has become a couple, and everyone else is getting' some 'cept me and Nee-chan and Kid-kun. We really loooove Kid-kun, and we just want him to have some fun, that's all. So we went through all this trouble to try and get him into bed with me and Nee-chan, 'coz we knew that he would NEVER, on his honor as a gentleman, do anything to us, and we're tired of waiting!" She blushed prettily and held up her fingers in a V-sign. "Haha, but our plan didn't work! 'Coz Kid-kun's a shinigami, like his Pa, and his resistance to alcohol is insane!"

Maka covered her eyes with her hand. Liz and Spirit continued to gape at Patty.

Shinigami-sama, on the other hand, let out a huge honk of laughter and clapped his hands again. "Ohohoho, very nicely said, Patty-chan! Oh, I never thought I'd see the day when my cute son finally gets his cherry popped. And by two pretty young girls, too! Hoho, this is cause for celebration indeed!"

Maka's, Liz's, and Spirit's heads snapped around to look at him in wide-eyed amazement.

Patty grinned. "So, maybe Shinigami-sama could help us?"

Shinigami-sama beamed. "We-ell, that's a bit difficult. If I interfere, Kid-kun is bound to get cranky, and then you and Liz-chan won't be able to do ANYTHING with him. Hmm…what to do, what to do…? Aha!" He snapped his fingers. "Might I suggest you ask Professor Stein for help?"

Surprised, Maka couldn't help but say "Professor Stein? How could he possibly know what to do?"

"Stein knows a good many things, Maka, even things that he shouldn't really know," Spirit answered. "If anyone knows how to get past a Death God's resiliency and high tolerance for intoxication…it'd be him." He made a face. "Though I'm really not sure what he'd say if he found out the reason behind all this is just to get Kid-kun laid…"

Maka looked at her father. "So…there's still a chance he won't help us?"

"I said I didn't know what he'd SAY," Spirit pointed out with a smile. "But because he's a curious sort…morbidly curious, that is…he'd definitely help you."

Maka's face brightened. "Then we'll go see him! Thank you, Shinigami-sama…and you, too, Papa."

Spirit died and went to heaven.

Shinigami-sama waved a hand. "Well, good luck then! Keep up the good work!"

"Hai!" Maka, Liz, and Patty answered—in Liz's case, she was so shell-shocked that she answered automatically instead of consciously—and then the three girls took their leave.

"Shinigami-sama…" Spirit began when he and Shinigami-sama were the only ones left in the room. "Are…are you sure this is a good idea? Letting them do that to Kid…"

Shinigami had turned around and was facing his mirror. From his position, Spirit could only see his back. After some time, the Death God said, "Spirit-kun…"

"H-hai, Shinigami-sama…"

"I want Kid-kun to be happy, and to experience love. I don't want him to have his offspring sprout from his forehead…like his Dad."

Spirit gasped. "Shi-shinigami-sama!! You mean…you…"

Shinigami-sama remained unnervingly silent for a moment. And then he turned around to face Spirit. "I'm LYIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"

Spirit blinked. Then he stomped his foot on the ground. "Shinigami-sama! Don't make jokes about your own son like that!"

"Shinigami-CHOP!"

"What…what was…-cough- that for?" Spirit asked as he lay in a pool of his own blood.

"For believing such a ridiculous story! A Death Scythe should know better!"

"Waaaah…"

Shinigami-sama faced the mirror again, chuckling to himself. "Aah, youth! Good luck, Maka-chan, Liz-chan, and Patty-chan. I hope things turn out well."

***

"You three," Blackstar began with a scowl, "had better have a good explanation!"

Maka, Liz, and Patty had exited the school (through the back, since the front had been completely demolished) and were met by Soul, Blackstar, and Tsubaki. Soul and Tsubaki looked resigned, Blackstar looked pissed.

Maka sighed. "I'm sorry, Blackstar, really. I'm really very sorry."

"Damn right you should be! And—wait…you're apologizing? Right away?"

Maka pinched the bridge of her nose. "Hai, hai, please don't rub it in."

Blackstar's angry expression became one of bewilderment. Then he shook his head and glared at her. "What's going on? You're hiding something from me, ME! Your teammate! How could you?"

Tsubaki patted his shoulder. "M-maa…I'm barely aware of what's going on, myself."

"Even Tsubaki doesn't know! And she's your friend!" Blackstar yelled.

Maka winced. "Please don't make me feel even worse! I feel like crap already for having kept you in the dark about our plan."

"What plan?" Blackstar demanded. "And why isn't Kid here? He should know about this, too—"

"NO!" Maka, Liz, and Soul yelled. Patty laughed so hard at their reaction, she sat down on the ground and practically screamed.

Blackstar looked confused. "Why not?"

"Because he's the target!" Maka hissed.

"What?? Why? What did he do to piss you all off?"

"He didn't piss us off," Soul said. "Actually, this is supposed to be a good thing for him."

Blackstar blinked. "How is assassinating him a good thing for him?"

"This isn't an assassination!" Maka exclaimed.

"Eeeeh? What is it then?? The suspense is killing me!"

Maka took in a deep breath and expelled it noisily. "We're trying to get him laid!"

Blackstar's mouth shut itself with a loud snap, and he stared owlishly at Maka. "Y-you're trying to get him laid?"

Maka nodded. "With these two." She pointed at Liz and Patty. Liz was trying not to turn red, and Patty was rolling around in hysterical laughter on the ground.

Blackstar blinked, glanced at Liz, glanced at Patty, then focused his unbelieving gaze at Maka. "You're trying to get Death the Kid LAID with Liz and Patty?"

Maka felt a vein throbbing in her temple. "Yes."

Next thing they knew, Blackstar was rolling around on the ground as well, laughing his ass off. "Wahahaha! Oh, that's rich! You're going to try and get prim-and-proper, stiff, gentlemanly, 'symmetry-is-my-aesthetic' Kid in bed with Liz and Patty?? Good luck!!" he howled, still laughing. "That's like trying to get Kid in bed with a giraffe and a mongoose! Ahahahahaha!"

Maka raised her hand to deliver a Maka-chop but Liz suddenly stepped in. "LIZ-CHOP!!!" she screamed, and whacked him.

While Tsubaki tried to mend the Grand Canyon that had dug itself into Blackstar's skull, Soul turned to Maka. "He has a point, though," he said. "I said it myself, didn't I? In addition to being a stiff and proper guy, Kid's got that symmetry thing going. He probably won't do Liz and Patty one-at-a-time, and if they go for a threesome his OCD's gonna get in the way."

"I know that," Maka told him. "That's why we tried to get him drunk, remember?"

"And we know the results of THAT, now, don't we?" Soul retorted. He frowned. "What did Shinigami want to talk to you about?"

Maka sheepishly put a hand to the back of her head. "Well…actually…he figured out what me and Liz-chan and Patty-chan were up to."

Soul's mouth fell open. "He what?? How? What did he say??"

"Eheh…well…he guessed…and then he told us to see Professor Stein."

Soul was incredulous. "Whoa…so…Shinigami didn't get mad or anything?"

"No…he even wished us luck." Maka still couldn't get over that one. "Imagine that."

"He wished you luck??" Soul repeated, gaping at his partner. "As in…good luck with getting Kid laid?"

Maka nodded. "Uh-huh."

"You mean…he's, like, all for it, too?"

"Apparently…yeah…guess he wants grandchildren."

Soul grinned. "That was pretty cool of him."

"Ahaha…I'm still pretty much in shock."

"Ahehe…well, I'm just glad we don't have to pay for any of the damages…guess Kid's good for something other than fighting Kishin-tainted souls."

"Dammit, Blackstar!" Liz yelled. "If you don't stop laughing, I'm going to make sure the next chop splits you right down to your navel!"

"How can I stop laughing?" Blackstar demanded in return, howling his amusement all over Shibusen's backyard. "There's no WAY Kid's EVER gonna sleep with you! I'd say Patty had more of a chance!"

"How DARE you?? Come back here!"

Maka and Soul sweatdropped. "We better break that up before they break something else on school grounds," Maka said.

"Aa. I'm pretty sure even the old man's got his limits." Soul agreed, dryly, "Even if we ARE on Kid's credit line."

***

The group made their way to Stein's peculiar, stitched-up house.

"I guess Shinigami-sama really wants Kid-kun to…ah…" Tsubaki blushed. "You know. Because he suggested we ask help from Stein-hakase."

"But what if he suggests we dissect Kid first, or something?" Blackstar asked, lazily strutting along beside Tsubaki. "If Kid's got his stupid OCD thing, then Stein's got his stupid dissecting thing. And don't think he ain't crazy enough to suggest it."

Maka shook her head. "No way! We have to trust Shinigami-sama's judgment on this. Remember the first time we met Professor Stein? We all thought he was a bad guy, but then it turned out he was on our side."

"Hmph. Guess that's true enough." Blackstar shrugged. "But how can he help us?"

"Whoa, look at that!" Patty exclaimed, pointing.

They had reached Stein's house. It was almost the same as when they had first seen it, except now there were rows upon rows of colorful flowers in all shapes and sizes decorating the front yard. Green vines wound their way around and over the wall and the iron bars of the once-creepy-looking gates. The house itself was still stitched-up and a somber-looking gray, but the gray was obviously a fresh coat of paint, and now there were pink highlights around the roof.

The effect on the little group was to render them all speechless for a good few moments.

"Wow…" Liz finally said. "Are you sure this is Stein's house? It looks more like Raggedy-Ann and Raggedy-Andy's house."

Again, the silence.

"Think he moved out?" Soul wondered, oddly quiet.

Maka shook her head. Slowly. "Um…he'd say if he did…right?"

"Maybe he just got a housekeeper." Blackstar shrugged.

"Or a gardener," Tsubaki said. "Oh, or perhaps he simply decided to take up gardening himself?"

"Stein ain't gonna do that!" Blackstar disagreed. "He'd sooner dissect something than plant flowers and stuff!"

"Then how do you explain that?" Liz demanded, jutting her chin out at the blooming garden.

Maka snapped her fingers. "Ah! Of course! Marie-sensei is probably still living with him!"

There was yet another few moments of complete silence.

"Marie-sensei and Professor Stein…" Liz said.

"Think they're getting it on?" Soul asked with a grin.

"Soul!" Maka gasped.

"Maybe they're just close friends," Tsubaki suggested earnestly.

"And I'm Cinderella," Liz muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Awww," Patty giggled, "the flowers don't have stitches! Guess Marie-sensei doesn't want Stein-hakase fooling around with her flowers!"

Everybody else sweatdropped.

Maka shook herself. "Come on! We came here to ask him something, right? Let's go and ask him!"

The gates weren't padlocked, and so they let themselves in and walked up the brightly-colored path to the front door. Marie had _definitely_ placed her own unique signature on Stein's domicile.

"Don't you think it would be nice if they _did_ become a couple?" Tsubaki said, with a delighted little smile.

Maka winced. "Erhm…"

"I'd pity Marie-sensei," Liz said.

"Ditto," Blackstar nodded.

"Oh, come on, you guys," Tsubaki insisted. "Stein-hakase isn't so bad at all."

"Huh…no one's answering," Maka suddenly interjected. During the course of their little discussion she'd thought to ring the doorbell.

"Maybe he DID move out," Soul said with a shrug. "He's the type of guy who'd probably do that and not tell anybody."

Maka rang the doorbell several more times, only to get the same result. Nothing. Soul tried the door, but it was locked. The rest of the gang tried finding windows they could look into, but all windows were bolted and the curtains drawn. There was no way to peer into the house.

"Guess he's not home," Maka said, disappointed. "Maybe we can just try again later, or tomorrow."

"No, wait," Blackstar said, holding up a hand. "I think I hear something…"

They all listened. True enough, there was someone moving around inside. There was a muffled thump, followed immediately by something heavy scraping the floor, and a stifled shriek.

Everyone gasped.

"What's going on in there?" Liz demanded.

"What if someone got in and is attacking Marie-sensei?" Tsubaki exclaimed.

Soul bared his fangs. "Then we better get in there and help her!"

Blackstar thumped his chest with his fist. "Allow me! Hya-HOOOO!"

He backed up for a running start, then kicked the door down in one go. It ended up in pieces all over the floor, and the gang rushed in, roaring bloody murder. They expected to see someone, either one of their old enemies or an entirely new foe, cornering Marie and threatening her life. However, what greeted them was completely different.

The first thing they saw was Stein. He was standing by the couch, looking mildly surprised at their intrusion. His glasses were uncharacteristically askew, and his hair was even messier than usual.

The next thing they saw was Marie. She was lying on the couch, having been soul-stitched in by Stein. She looked surprised, too, only her surprise was slowly giving way to horror. There was nobody else in the room, and everything, save for the couch Marie lay on, was undisturbed.

Now, Maka and the others had anticipated they'd find Marie. What they hadn't anticipated was that they'd find her soul-stitched to the couch. They also hadn't anticipated they'd see Stein.

And they certainly had NOT anticipated that the two occupants of the living room would be butt-naked.

For a moment, a long, agonizing moment, nobody moved.

And then Marie screamed.

Maka, Tsubaki, and Liz also screamed.

Soul had a nosebleed.

Blackstar involuntarily let out a blast of steam from his nose.

Patty, for once, didn't laugh. But she DID stare. Hard.

Stein's reaction was eerily calm. He straightened his glasses and looked inquiringly at all of them. "I guess this isn't a social visit," he said mildly. "Else you would have all just gone away when I didn't answer the doorbell."

Maka blushed furiously. "G-g-gomenasai, Professor!"

Tsubaki had hidden her face in her hands. "We—we didn't see anything!"

"Are you kidding?" Liz said, in a voice a couple of octaves higher than her usual. "We saw EVERYTHING!"

It was then that Patty laughed. "Wow, the Professor's big! Marie-sensei's body ain't half-bad either!" She clapped her hands in glee. "Uwaa, so you guys ARE getting it on when nobody's looking!"

Marie started sobbing. "Franken, release me at once! I need to put some clothes on!"

Stein ignored her. "And now that you all know that, perhaps you could go away so that we can, ahem, get it on?"

Soul was in danger of dying from massive blood loss. Blackstar seemed petrified.

"Franken Stein!" Marie screeched from the couch.

Stein continued to ignore his housemate. "Well? Why are you all here? You're not just here to comment on certain anatomical parts, are you?"

Liz nudged Maka, hard. Maka forced herself to concentrate on _just_ Stein's face. "Ah…w-well, it's about Kid-kun."

"I suppose that's why he isn't here." Stein somehow managed to pull a cigarette out from somewhere and light it (with a lighter that he also somehow managed to pull out from somewhere). "What's going on?"

"W-well…" Maka stuttered. "It's…it's a bit…well…private, you know, and…"

Stein's expression was unreadable. "And I'm supposed to grant you privacy after you and nearly all of your cohorts have intruded upon mine?"

Maka suddenly felt her knees turn into jelly. "Ah…ahem…wh-when you put it that way…"

"Nee-chan and I wanna do Kid-kun," Patty said. Evenly. In a quiet tone.

The professor stared at her. A single brow shot up to the stitched ceiling. "I…see. By 'do', I suppose you mean it in the…lascivious sense?"

"Wazzat?" Blackstar crinkled his nose. "Las…lasshiv…"

"He means lustful." Maka said, absently.

"Oooh. Well, why didn't he just say 'lustful'?"

"Blackstar?"

"Yeah?"

"Shh."

Stein puffed on his cigarette and began blowing out skull-shaped clouds of smoke. "Hmm…why not just up and invite him to bed, then?"

"Professor," Maka said with some exasperation, "it's Kid-kun we're talking about. He's…rather…"

"Prudish?" Stein supplied, with a small but evil smirk.

"Er…yeah."

Marie had stopped yelling at Stein and was now trying to break free from Soul Stitch. To his credit, Stein had very subtly moved to stand between her and his students, thereby at least partially blocking their view of her. To Soul's credit, he had turned around and was trying to staunch the flow of blood from his nose. Blackstar was busy turning over his newly-learned word in his head, and wasn't really looking. The girls, however, still had full visual access to the still very naked Stein.

"Have you tried getting him drunk?" Stein asked after a while.

"Yeah," Maka nodded. "But I think you know what happened to THAT idea."

Stein smirked again. "You should've known better than to try and get a Shinigami drunk, even one as young as Kid. His skin doesn't burn, he doesn't get cold in winter, and he's resistant to poison. Alcohol doesn't even count as poison. Absinthe's a different story, I suppose, but, well, it probably won't affect him."

Liz rolled her eyes. "Well, what do you suggest we do, then, eh Prof?"

Stein looked amused. "Ask for his hand in marriage?" he suggested with a shrug.

Liz couldn't help it. She glared. Stein chuckled.

"Frankeeeeeeeeeen!" Marie growled at him. Maka and the others could hear the stitches ripping through the fabric of the couch. Stein would have a torn-up couch and quite possibly a beating if Marie managed to break free.

"Uh…Professor Stein?" Maka prompted.

But Stein either didn't hear or didn't care. He simply continued to smoke his cigarette and stare off into space. Once or twice he reached up to twist the big screw on his head clockwise.

Then he brought his gaze back down to them, making them all snap to attention. Stein had that effect. "You can use Soul Solvent," he said.

"Soul…Solvent?" Liz repeated.

"It's that stuff he made Blackstar use," Maka told her. "You know, the one that made him look like a zombie?"

"Oh, THAT."

Blackstar snorted. "Ha! I _drank_ that thing, remember? If all it did was make me sleepy, it's not gonna do anything to Kid!"

Stein was unfazed. "That's why you're going to use a stronger Soul Solvent."

Everyone stared at him. Even Marie had gone still.

"A stronger Soul Solvent?" Maka asked.

Stein nodded. "I've been working on one for a while now. I was actually planning on using…I mean, _asking_ Blackstar to test it." He extinguished his cigarette (using an ashtray he'd miraculously pulled out of somewhere) and, without warning, walked into the adjoining room, which had all of his lab equipment. Marie screamed again, fresh blood spurted from Soul's nose, and Blackstar's eyes were just about ready to explore the world ten feet away from their sockets. The girls had a _very_ good view of Stein's buttocks.

Liz groaned and rubbed at her temples. "I hate today."

"Suck it up, baka," Blackstar said, regaining possession of his eyeballs. "You're the ones who want to do Kid."

"Oh, shut up! If you were in our position, you'd be this desperate, too!"

"Ahaha, me? The Great Blackstar is NEVER desperate!"

"But you ARE dumb," Patty chortled.

"Say that again!!"

"Leave my sister alone!" Liz leapt to her sister's defense.

"She started it!"

"And I'll _end _it if you don't shut up!"

"Don't fight, you two," Tsubaki implored. "You're upsetting Marie-sensei."

"She's naked and Soul-Stitched to the couch," Liz drawled. "If we were in her position, we wouldn't need any other reason to be upset."

"Please don't look at me," Marie wailed. "Now I'm never going to get married!"

"But you're banging Stein," Blackstar said, genuinely befuddled. "Isn't that good enough?"

"Yeah," Liz agreed, suddenly shifting gears and siding with Blackstar. "I mean, you guys are pretty close, you know how to give each other space, everyone says you're a good influence on him…heck, you guys are practically married already."

"And he _is_ pretty big…" Tsubaki, of all people, said in as comforting a tone as she could manage. Maka choked on her own saliva.

"He's not that big!" Blackstar fumed. "I'm easily twice his size!"

Tsubaki sweatdropped. "G-gomen…"

"If you were twice his size, Tsubaki-chan would be dead," Liz muttered. She'd shifted gears again in a heartbeat and was back to arguing with the Star clan survivor.

Blackstar glared at her. "You don't believe me, eh? Fine! I'll show you just how great I am!" He grabbed his pants and, to everyone's mutual horror, pulled them down.

Tsubaki paled. "Blackstar!"

Blackstar waggled his front at Liz. "There! See? Bear witness to the awesomeness that is Blackstar!"

Liz had a horrified look on her face. "Get that thing away from me!"

Patty was laughing hysterically now. "You're not bigger than the Prof! You're not even as big as the Prof! If ding-dongs were sausages then you're a canned one next to Stein-hakase's Hungarian! Ahahahahahahaha!"

"Urusai!" Blackstar yelled at her.

"Not bad, though," Liz said to Tsubaki. Tsubaki blushed.

Stein returned to the living room with a very small bottle and a dropper. "Here we are," he said, sounding rather pleased with himself. He was still naked.

"Couldn't he have put on something, at least?" Soul grumbled. "Him waving his 'ding-dong' around is kind of…annoying."

Maka suppressed a smirk. "Male jealousy's a bad thing, Soul."

Soul sputtered indignantly. "J-jealous? Me? Of him?

"What is that, Professor?" Tsubaki asked politely, trying to steer the conversation away from pointlessness.

Stein held up the tiny bottle. "It's a stronger version of Soul Solvent. I call it Soul Extract."

"Sounds wicked," Liz commented.

Stein nodded. "It is. I was a little disappointed when Blackstar said all my Solvent did was make him a bit sleepy, so I worked for weeks on a proper replacement for it." He smiled. "You didn't think I'd make training THAT easy for you, did you, Blackstar?"

Blackstar thumped his chest. "Hah! That thing's probably not even going to pass for training! Bet I can down that whole bottle and still stay on my feet!"

Stein suddenly turned serious. "No. There's a reason I brought out this dropper. You get to try one drop. That's it."

Blackstar was incredulous. "What? Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"No way! Come on! Who do you think I am?"

Stein dipped the dropper into the bottle. "Fine then, a drop and a half. But don't blame me if you die, or something."

"Die?" Tsubaki gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.

"Or something?" Patty repeated. She sounded amused. "That sounds interesting! Think he'll turn into a girl?"

Liz lost it and started sputtering with laughter. "Yeah, Patty, I'd say that'd count as an 'or something'."

"It'd count as a 'something else'," Soul added, snickering.

"It's a good suggestion…" Stein murmured thoughtfully. Maka shuddered, knowing somehow that he was already thinking of an entirely new concoction.

Blackstar snorted loudly and derisively. "Fine, but don't blame me either if you end up getting humiliated for overestimating your invention, Prof!"

Stein's glasses gleamed. "I never overestimate myself. That extends to whatever it is I create."

Blackstar glared at him. "Then let's see what you got, old man!"

"He's not old!" Marie protested. "Not _that_ old, anyway. And you gotta admit, he's still pretty virile."

"Oh, YOU can talk," Blackstar said sarcastically. "You were about to get it on before we busted in on you!"

"Don't say it like you should be proud of it!" Soul exclaimed. "It's not like we did them any favors, you know!"

"Says you!" Blackstar retorted. "I'd say we did Marie-sensei a favor and stopped Stein from putting his stitched-up snake in her pit!"

"Stitched-up??" Maka gasped.

"Pit?" Marie muttered, her face sour.

"Yeah!" Blackstar pointed right at the 'snake' in question. "Take a good look!"

Maka turned bright red and shut her eyes. "I don't wanna!"

"I so do not appreciate having my va-jay-jay being referred to as a 'pit'!" Marie was indignant. "Franken, you wouldn't ever call it a 'pit', would you?"

"Certainly not," Stein said, conversationally. "I'd call it the man-eating version of the Venus Fly Trap, but not a 'pit'."

"FRANKEN!"

"Stop it, you guys!" Tsubaki wailed, covering her ears.

"Who knows if THAT'LL fall apart once it's in there!" Blackstar went on, pointing at Stein's member. "With all the experiments this crazy doc's done to himself, I'm just surprised Junior doesn't have a screw in his head, too!"

"Blackstar, don't be rude," Tsubaki implored.

"Besides, how can we tell he didn't make himself that big on purpose?" Blackstar insisted. "I mean, he might've added something there!"

Stein remained impassive. "I can assure you, this is one thing I tampered only minimally with."

Blackstar whirled on him. "You still tampered with it! And who cares if you only tampered with it once? That one time could've been the time you upsized it! You—"

Stein chose that precise moment to shove the dropper into Blackstar's mouth.

"Uwo, right on target." Soul sounded impressed.

"He's a doctor, what do you expect?" Maka said.

For a while, no one moved. Even Marie had stopped struggling. What would the effect of the Soul Extract be on the great Blackstar?

Then Stein withdrew the dropper and stepped back. "There. How do you feel?" he asked mildly.

Blackstar blinked. "I feel…fine! Absolutely fine!" he drew himself up and planted his hands proudly on his hips. "See? I told you. Your Soul Extract thingamajig ain't working. Hah! You gotta come up with something stronger to get to Kid—"

And then he toppled over like a pole-axed cow.

Tsubaki screamed. "Blackstar!"

"Whoa!" Soul exclaimed, his normally cool composure broken.

"He—he just went down! Just like that!" Maka gasped.

"Sugoi!" Patty started clapping. "Sugoi, Hakase!"

"That _was_ awesome…" Liz's eyes were wide with astonishment.

Stein smiled. "What did I tell you?" He held out the bottle to Maka. "This will weaken Kid's defenses. It probably won't knock him out, but it'll make him woozy. Liz and Patty should be able to handle him then."

Maka accepted the bottle and smiled up at Stein gratefully. "Thank you, Professor!"

Liz pumped a fist into the air. "Yes! Hear that, Patty?"

Patty grinned. Almost maniacally. "Kid-kun won't know what hit him!"

Soul was bending over Blackstar. "Blackstar sure didn't know what hit _him_." He grinned as well and looked up at the Thompson sisters. "Yeah, looks like you and Liz have got some hope."

"Ano…" Marie began, still stuck to the couch and still very much naked. "I'm so glad that Stein was able to help you…but…could you please leave now?"

Everyone—except Patty—blushed. "Ah…hai…" Maka said. "G-gomen ne, Marie-sensei…"

Soul scratched his head. "I guess I gotta carry this idiot out, eh?"

"Unless you'd rather leave him here," Stein said, his glasses fogging up and hiding his eyes again. "But I can't guarantee what condition he'll be in when he wakes up."

"Err…" Maka laughed nervously. "Right…Soul will bring him. Ne, Soul?"

"Hai, hai, wakatta…" Soul began to lift Blackstar onto his shoulders when he noticed something. He immediately dropped Blackstar again. "Uwooo!!!" he yelled, surprised.

"What is it?" Tsubaki cried.

Soul pointed towards Blackstar's nether regions. "It's…it's…"

Everyone looked.

"Oh, my God…" Liz muttered. "It's ERECT."

Tsubaki grew red.

Patty was oddly quiet again. "Wow. NOW he's as big as the Prof."

They turned to look at Stein.

Stein shrugged. "Must be a side-effect."

His students continued to stare at him. Then, almost as if they couldn't help it, they looked _down._

Stein blinked. His glasses grew opaque again. "Sorry. This is just me."

The girls looked away immediately.

Soul glanced at Blackstar again. "Damn. Say, Prof, you wouldn't mind giving me some of that, would you?"

Maka slapped him. "A-anyway, we're sorry for taking up your time, Professor," she stammered quickly. "We'll be going now. Thanks for all your help, we really appreciate it!"

"Glad to have been of service," Stein said, with a faint smile. He said it in such a silky tone that Maka was sure they were going to catch holy hell from him next time they were in class. She winced inwardly and promised herself she would definitely call in THIS favor from Liz and Patty one day.


End file.
